That can’t be true, can it? How could this have happened? Wasn’t it generally agreed upon by the whole world that the Simpsons had overstayed their welcome? Didn’t everyone out grow the show at least a decade ago or was that just me? Why does the show continue to live? Just let the show die, Fox. Let it live on only in our memories, where we will forget all of the bad episodes, the unfunny attempts at relevancy, the frequent and unnecessary celebrity guests, and the meandering plot lines that regularly strayed into left field for no reason. Let us remember the highlights of the program through the shroud of nostalgia.

America’s connection to The Simpsons is actually pretty similar to a person in a bad relationship. The person in the bad relationship will regularly say things like “But we’ve been together for so long, I can’t just leave now. What would all that time have meant?” without giving the situation any proper analysis or realizing that over time, though it was a good place to be at first, their situation has deteriorated into a complete shitfest. That’s exactly the situation with fans of The Simpsons: time spent with this show is just wasted time but they don’t want to admit that to themselves because it means they have wasted their lives. The sooner “fans” realize that they are wasting their time (and their money if they’re buying DVDs) by trying to milk enjoyment from this dead cow of a show, the sooner they can move on. And as a result, the sooner the show will end due to disinterest. But despite my personal disinterest in the show (I quit watching sometime around season 11 and made a point to never watch the movie), I think that ending The Simpsons now would actually be impossible due to the evil will of series creator Matt Groening.

In attempting to claim his title as the George Lucas of prime time animation, Groening’s obsessive dream of perpetuating The Simpsons into infinity (while simultaneously destroying any hope that old fans had for the show) will easily continue beyond the lifetime of anyone reading this article. At this point in the show’s run, the next logical stopping point would be the death of Dan Castellaneta or one of the other main cast members. But Groening will find a way. He has no doubt spent the last 15 years of his life casting pitch perfect sound-alikes for all of the regular cast in preparation of the eventual time that their bloated salary demands finally cause Fox to cancel the show. Then after the sound-alikes have died off, Groening will be the last employer on Earth, giving voice acting and animation gigs to anyone with a pulse just to continue the series’ for years to come. He will live to the ripe old age of 145 (you see, he’s so rich now that he can afford advanced medical treatments beyond the grasp of us mere mortals) and when he finally does kick the bucket, his last will and testament will be nothing more than plot outlines for 10 more seasons of The Simpsons along with crudely drawn depictions of Homer and Marge having sex.

So maybe when Groening first penned the title of his old comic strip Life in Hell, he was right, but he wasn’t writing satire of the present. He was writing a biography of the future — a future he has spent 23 years crafting. The show is currently contracted to run through it’s 25th season. May Groening have mercy on our souls.

Televised celebrity funerals aren’t anything new. We had a televised funeral for Michael Jackson a few years ago even though that guy hadn’t had a hit song in over 20 years. But televising that funeral made sense because Michael Jackson has songs that are still regularly played to this day (Unlike Whitney’s back catalogue, which only gets played on soft rock/RnB stations…maybe). Did Michael Jackson have debts to settle that were inherited by his family? Most likely.

But now apparently anyone who’s had a #1 single at any point in time gets to have their funeral televised. Even if the celebrity isn’t in enormous debt with they die, their family still wants to get a piece of that delicious cash pie. Gotta sell the exclusive televised funeral rights. Gotta sell the ad space on the televised funeral. Gotta emblazon the side of the casket with a Coca-Cola logo. Everybody needs their cut.

Let’s all remember for a second that just 8 years ago, Whitney Houston was the co-star of a reality show called “Being Bobby Brown” in which her husband Bobby Brown pulled turds out of her ass. I’m not making that up. In one episode, she was trying to take a shit and she just couldn’t do it. She needed the help of her husband and fellow musician, Bobby Brown. This show was utter trash, but in the cash grab amongst networks trying to put former celebrities on TV and replicate the success of “The Osbournes,” Bravo managed to produce the shittiest one on television. Whitney and Bobby, both with the peaks of their careers long behind them, decided to accept money in return for making complete jackasses of themselves on national television.

It’s funny how this very public year of their lives together will be glossed over by the media in the future re-tellings of Whitney Houston’s story. People want to forget the lowlights and only remember the highlights; that She sang some songs and acted in some movies. That’s what people want to focus on when they think about how glamorous her life was. But it really wasn’t glamorous at all. When the inevitable biopic comes out next year staring Halle Berry as Whitney Houston, we’ll see her sing songs, we’ll see her get beat by Bobby Brown, and we’ll see her do drugs. But we won’t see any mention of the reality TV show where she knowingly accepted cash as she told all of America that she needed her husband to claw shit out of her asshole. Her estate will just gloss over that little tidbit.

…And the estates of celebrities will always cash in.

…And America will always obsess over celebrity as a concept.

…And Whitney Houston will always been in debt.

You thought you had seen it all on the internet. You thought you could just go to Google and type in whatever nonsense spewed forth from your brain and there would already be hundreds of websites dedicated to that idea. You thought wrong. Apparently there are still uncharted waters in the internet, places that haven’t been discovered and permutations of concepts that haven’t been combined in the combined alchemy of humanity’s collective subconscious. “Billy Superstar” had this exact same conundrum as he attempted to find a blog currently chronicling a sitcom from the late 80s/early 90s, and he decided to take matters into his own hands. That brings us to “Full House” Reviewed.

“Full House” Reviewed attempts to focus on one very specific aspect of American culture and magnify it to extreme proportions by focusing on the minutiae of details in the lives of the Tanner family, as represented by the show Full House. But the fatal flaw of Reviewed is that the author is looking back on the program and criticizing it based on 20 years of advancements in the art form of the half-hour weekly sitcom rather than looking at it from the original context in which the show aired. While this style is often played for laughs, it ultimately creates weaker reviews than those that might analyze the situations and their context a little more in depth. How did Uncle Jessie fit into the post-Regan era America into which he was thrust? What effect did the loss of Danny’s wife have on his ability to stay humorous in dark situations as a morning show host? Was Uncle Joey a pedophile or just a homosexual? These analytical questions and more can be asked (and possibly answered) given the wonder of hindsight, but our author “Billy Superstar” doesn’t use this to his advantage.

Aesthetically, the blog’s layout is clean and neat. “Superstar” has chosen a color palette that recalls the overly effeminate decor of the house in the source material. He’s even given the blog a whimsical header image (an artistic rendering of “Michelle” making a face). My one major gripe is the lack of use of the “more” tag. Obviously “Superstar” is using WordPress to power his blog (also found right here on Tears of Time) so he has access to the “more” tag. For those of you not technologically inclined, “more” gives the audience the title, header image, and a paragraph or two on the front page, leaving the remainder of the post “below the fold.” This allows readers to quickly skim through several posts that they might not be interested in or ones they have already read without requiring them to scroll through thousands of words on a site’s main page while looking for the content they seek (currently “Full House” Reviewed has 14,456 words spaced out over only 10 blog entries according to our estimates, all of which will load every time you visit the page).

As a concept, the blog is great. Who doesn’t want to read smarmy reviews of a show from their childhood? But in execution, Reviewed is lacking. What could be a great medium to express humor while commenting on character development often devolves into mere episode synopses. Occasionally, such as this passage, we see “Superstar” just outlining the beats of the script verbatim:

Danny comes in the room and delivers this really passive-aggressive front to DJ where he acts like he thinks her phone bill is so amusing to him and then he gets all pissed about how big it is. Apparently someone’s been making all of these really expensive calls to Japan but none of the girls will claim responsibility for them. During Danny’s investigation, Stephanie starts ragging on Kimmie Gibbler real hard, and even though her jokes are totally weak, Stephanie gets a big bumptious kick out of her own material.

When attempting to be a source of reviews, Reviewed often misses its mark, but if one were to view it as a negatively stilted, overly verbose archive of episode descriptions for Full House, it exemplifies the genre. Interestingly enough, when clicking on the Archives page of the website, users are greeted with little more than a poorly framed still image of one of the pictures in an episode’s post and nothing more. How are people supposed to navigate when not given an episode title or at least an episode number? Perhaps this blog could benefit from the use of some video commentary from it’s author because I could be missing a key ingredient from its author’s delivery: tone. Obviously the entries are meant to be funny, but something in the delivery gets lost in translation when read off of a dry website.

“Full House” Reviewed isn’t the greatest thing on the planet, and though “Billy Superstar” has spent time writing reviews of about a hundred of these episodes so far (he’s through Season 4), I’m not sure if it’s worth your time to revisit the older entries just to see a synopsis. You’ll probably have a better time actually watching the episodes of Full House yourself, but if you need a quick fix of the show and don’t have access to the DVDs, Reviewed is a great place to turn when you’re lost out there and you’re all alone.

Score: 78/100 (With a little bit of work on making these reviews more concise and a redirected focus on analysis instead of description, “Full House” Reviewed could become a great source of humor. As it stands, simply writing a negative spin on a show that only diehard fans are still watching isn’t all that appealing.)

If you quit buying your iPads and your iPhones and your other iBullshits just because the manufacturers treat their employees like trash, that will hurt the company sure. Apple will fall and Foxconn will fall and then all of you white people reading this can pat yourselves on the back as you sip espresso in a Starbucks. But this won’t kill the idea of absurd working conditions for factory workers. When it comes to making things cheap enough for the middle class consumers in America to buy, businesses will develop manufacturing models that reduce their bottom line to almost nothing, even if it means paying people a nickle a day to not jump into a vat of acid in protest of their working conditions. The people in China who take these shit jobs take them because there is no other option. If they didn’t work in the belly of hell for pennies a day, they would just drop down dead because big American corporations like Walmart or Apple aren’t trickling down the scraps to them for their efforts. In essence, it is a horrible job, but it’s better than nothing. And if Apple and Foxconn don’t exist to exploit these people, Company X and Manufacturer Y will spring up next week to exploit these people by making with Product Z that you will want to buy, despite the human cost associated with it.

The real reason one should boycott Apple is because this is just one arrow in the quiver of a horrible company. Apple (especially when run by Steve Jobs) is a company that presents an image of sleek simplicity while actually forcing all of its users down a very specific path to reach their goals. That path includes spending 99 cents for a song that no one at Apple actually had anything to do with. The path includes paying for what essentially boils down to OS patches. And the path also includes paying sometimes 1.5 or 2 times as much for your hardware because “it just works,” even though it isn’t compatible with anything but other Apple products.

So don’t boycott Apple because they are part of an unsolvable corporate problem that has human suffering as a byproduct. Boycott Apple because they’re multifaceted assholes.

By recording the expressions on your face, your reactions to the games you are playing can be monitored, allowing Nintendo to better decide what games and franchises to focus on. It’s like someone mixed Google all into your video games! Nintendo can see how happy I am when I spend money on their goods, and automatically charge me for items they assume I will enjoy as well. How much more “in the future” can we get?

I’ll tell you how much more: The Super Wii U (or whatever the NEXT console is) will use all of that data collected throughout the life cycle of the Wii U to make that console so much better that you didn’t even know they charged you one already on pre-order. It will be delivered directly to your house, every two years on contract. I can’t wait for the future of gaming.

First of all, anyone who has a weak enough will to be swayed into marrying someone of the same gender simply by playing a video game, has deeper problems than can be addressed here. Children with minds still in a developing phase should not be playing this game, or any MMO for that matter anyway. Stop blaming video games for turning your kids gay and realize that it was your fault for being such a bad parent.

This also completely ignores the fact that you are not locked into creating a character that is the same gender as you. Two people of the same gender can just pick different genders and then get ‘married.’  Allowing game characters to become ‘companions’ to unlock all of the game’s features, is hardly going to ruin the sanctity of marriage any more than you already have.

They’re presenting this policy as a streamlined way to protect people. For the last few years, Google has been acquiring several different properties and bringing them into the Google fleet. It started with YouTube and Picasa and has since moved on to internal development projects such as Google Music among others.

So now they’re streamlining the privacy policies of all of these sites into 1 policy. Sound great, right? It would be, except for what happens if you read between the lines. Here’s the most worrying quote to me, directly from the email that they sent all of their users:

If you’re signed into Google, we can do things like suggest search queries – or tailor your search results – based on the interests you’ve expressed in Google+, Gmail, and YouTube. We’ll better understand which version of Pink or Jaguar you’re searching for and get you those results faster.

The subtext of this quote is that if you’re a child looking for the animal jaguar or the color pink, they can better guess your age and advertise to you properly, vs if you are an adult who might want to buy a Jaguar car or buy music from the artist Pink (and of course advertise to you properly). They will make these guesses by reading your emails, monitoring your G+ likes and your YouTube upvotes, and making assumptions based on your past Google searches and what content your G+ friends have uploaded. It’s all in the name of them making more money (for now) because you’re more likely to click on an advertisement if they can get this kind of stuff correct.

If you search “Jaguar” and you’re looking for the animal, then the car dealer is wasting their money if you click on the ad. You won’t be buying a Jaguar any time soon, but it costs Jaguar the company money to keep tossing ad revenue at Google when they won’t be seeing returns based on the fact that they picked a dumb name for their car company. Actually, Jaguar is a badass name for a car company, but it’s not search engine friendly, until now.

What’s happening here is Google has converted itself from a user-friendly place into the world’s biggest market research company. They’re tracking trends and delivering that information directly to advertisers. Everything you do with Google has been logged and categorized and is immediately being resold to you. Big Brother is watching everything you do. “1984, yeah right man, that’s a typo. Orwell’s here and now, he’s living large.”

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Despite all this, I’m predicting doom for the next Nintendo console. Looking back to less than a year ago, the 3DS had a launch that can only be described as “The Challenger” compared to the amount of hype surrounding the system. Nintendo managed to recover by rushing development of some of their key franchises, but I don’t think they can afford to make the same mistake a second time. Last minute renaming of the device doesn’t really speak well of their former confidence in the Wii brand. And with the “Wii U’s” guts being only slightly better than a current XBox 360 in terms of technical muscle, I don’t really see many of the sought after “hardcore gamers” returning to Nintendo after having jumped ship back in the Gamecube days.

Looking back on Nintendo’s history, they’ve pretty much always been right on the cusp of going under. They were a card game maker before the NES, and after the video game crash of the 80s, they looked poised to go down with the ship. They happened to strike gold with their Nintendo Entertainment System however, by branding it as a toy (hence the inclusion of a robot that “played the game with you” on some of the early models). Sticking to the Nintendo brand, they released the Super Nintendo to continue to cash in on the name recognition (as in: “What’s better than a Nintendo? A SUPER Nintendo!”). But everyone knew that if you wanted to play Mortal Kombat the real way, you needed to play it on the Sega Genesis because Nintendo didn’t allow the blood code. Following this, we had the lackluster Nintendo 64. Even though it had a handful of the better games from that generation, being stuck in the past by using cartridges when everyone else was on to cheaper CD technology limited development of new titles for the system and ultimately it wasn’t the breakaway hit of either the NES or SNES.

Of course the next system (Game Cube) was an utter flop compared to the PS2, but it managed to sell a few units because it was cheap. Around this time was when Nintendo really started to harbor the environment of “the only games worth owning on one of our consoles is a game we develop in-house.” Then came the Wii. Had it not been for a rag tag group of tech demos, the thing would have never sold. Launching without HD capability or a realistic amount of storage space a full year after the 360 and within a 24 hour period of the PS3, the only saving grace for the little piece of shit system was it’s price point and the fact that old people liked playing Wii Sports. And of course the Wii;s staying power was bolstered by its 1st party titles (2 Zelda games, 3 Mario games, 2 Kirby games, 2 Metroid games, and re-releases of some Gamecube games like Pikmin with new motion control interaction).

But now we are seeing more of the same thing from Nintendo. They are unsure of their place in the market by trying to cater to a lost “hardcore gamer” audience. They are only going to alienate the casual demographics they have been cultivating for the last 5 years by releasing a system that can output HD graphics, but at a high cost to the consumer. The Wii sold well amongst new gamers because of its cheap entry point, it’s gimmicky motion controls, and it’s games designed around a party setting. It also sold well amongst fans of Nintendo’s original IPs who enjoy them enough to look past their glaringly SD exteriors. So-called “hardcore gamers” don’t give a shit about the Wii.

So it makes me glad to know that they are considering re-branding their new system to distance themselves from the Wii. And frankly, releasing a system that is nearly identical in name and external appearance is only going to confuse the parents out there who just don’t get it. A child will say “get me a Wii U! It’s small and white and made by Nintendo,” and his parent return from the store with a Wii because it was the cheaper and/or not-sold-out option. The child in this scenario will then cry until he gets his way because he is a spoiled brat.

Despite the possible name change, I think that they are still not going to do well with this console. It will be behind the times (technically speaking) and with the next Xbox right around the corner (2013 possible release date) seeking to dethrone Nintendo with its own integrated motion controls (Kinect 2), I think we will be seeing a very poor console life-cycle for Nintendo in the next generation. Maybe I’ll pick up Nintendo’s post-Wii U system (because we all know that one will be backwards compatible with Wii U games) and just save myself the trouble of owning another Nintendo system for a few years. If the next Nintendo is only just slightly better under the hood than PS3 and 360 games, it stands to reason that no developer will be making any games that maximize the system’s potential (other than Nintendo’s own development teams) because it would just be too expensive of an undertaking to develop that way.

First. choose your candidate. (Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum or Ron Paul)

Then, drink every time your candidate:

• Gets asked first question.
• Gets a chance to rebuttal.
• Gets ignored by the moderators for at least 30 minutes.
• Makes snide remark before answering.
• Chuckles before answering.
• Gets booed by audience.
• Promises to kill a foreign leader.
• Makes a joke that no one laughs at.
• Asks to have a question repeated.
• Says something positive about another contender on stage.
• Says something positive about Barack Obama.
• Speaks during another contenders turn.

Regardless of how influential the republicans become after this election, there will still be democrats. Starting a fight with people that you will have to work with if you become president, before you even become president, is stupid. The problem the country has with politics is that the elected officials never get anything done. How Gingrich plans to get things done by calling his fellow politicians names is beyond me.

In fact, it shows just how underdeveloped his mind is. His actions and reactions including pointing fingers and name calling, are in line with that of a child. A fundamental difference between us and animals is the ability to communicate and work together. Gingrich on the other hand is taking this in the entirely opposite direction. Imagine a child running for president. This shouldn’t be hard considering that Gingrich looks like a baby as well as just acting like one.

What has Gingrich offered up this election season other than negative opinions of his opposition? Oh, that’s right, he’s taking the points of his competitors that people like and claiming that as his own. End the Fed sound familiar? Instead of trying to steal your platform from someone else, just endorse that candidate. You’re doing nothing but increasing the chances of no republican taking office come this time next year. So who’s side are you really on Newt? If you were a republican you would get out of the way, not bring the whole party down with you.

There’s not much else to say about this. If you can’t figure out what’s going on from the intro paragraph then I feel sorry for you.

As it turns out, Six Xboxs strapped together is still only 1/4th as powerful as a high end computer. A computer that you can buy today as opposed to a console that is still at least a year from release. By the time the next Xbox is released, you will most likely be able to buy a more powerful computer for an insignificant amount more than the console. If you already have a computer all you need then is a video card, which you can already buy, for less than a 360, in most cases.

What about the games you ask? Unless you’re dead set on playing Gears of War 4, and Halo 5 as soon as possible then you have no choice. Almost every other game, however is released on PC. PC also being mostly owned by Microsoft, they make sure to make most games available on both platforms.

What about the online community? Steam offers the same service as Xbox Live, but for free. Most of Xbox live was taken from Steam’s service anyway. There are also plenty of Steam alternatives, however Tears of Time uses Steam, and has a public group you should join.

What else does Xbox even offer? Children screaming in your ear while trying to play a game? That’s why people don’t have kids in the first place. An extra fee to play online? I’m already paying for the internet and every other service is free, yea let me just give you more money for the hell of it.

Get real Microsoft. This next console better make the ‘grandeur’ rumors look like nothing in comparison, or we’ll see you go the way of SEGA.

Update: The Wii U claims to be twice as powerful as a Xbox 360. The next Xbox claims to be 20% more powerful than that. 2 x 1.2 = 2.4 Xbox 360s. According to Moore’s Law, technology doubles every 18 months, which would put the next console at a requirement of 16x as powerful just to keep up with itself. Which is it Microsoft?

Tis the time of year for all of the music equipment manufacturers we’ve clicked “Like” on decide to flood our walls with all of their glorious new gear. Every year there’s definitely a few things that grab my attention but this year had some especially awesome stuff. I’d like to highlight some the pieces of equipment that I consider to be the most interesting. I’ve had no problem keeping it to relatively obtainable equipment as you can see there’s plenty of dope stuff to get for under a grand.

#5 Nektar Reason Controller Panorama P4 -MSRP $599

Its cool and I know there’s a lot of you out there who don’t like using anything but Reason by itself and wish for a great controller for it. Most of this stuff can be found in other devices you already have though and the keyboard appears to be less than perfect or necessary. Highlights are quality MPC style pads, motorized faders and easy patch selection via color screen.

#4 AKAI MPC FLY – MSRP $299

As many of you know I’m not a big fan of iOS or tablet computing (Though I was sold on apple computers till Win 7) but this makes me want an iPad 2. This is the future of audio production in the making. Seeing as how I probably wouldn’t find a need for using the tablet for anything else given I have an android phone and a quality laptop I guess I could deal with the locked down lack of features nature of iOS.

#3 Moog Minitaur – MSRP $679

If you want shit your pants bass look no further. From the OGs of synthesizers. Significantly cheaper than MSRP if you buy it online. At this price its necessary in any bass junky’s arsenal.

#2 AKAI MPC Renaissance – MSRP $??? assumed $599-799

Finally here to take on NI MASCHINE is AKAI’s answer to all in one computer production. With the backbone of backwards compatibility with the classics you know this is the one you want.

#1 Arturia MiniBrute -$549

This is my pick of the year. Available in April (Tax Season) this is the one piece of gear I’m deeming must have. If I can find a little bit of money this year for gear its probably gonna be this. Sound of this quality has never been this affordable or easy to use. The downside is I’d be willing to bet this replaces the microKORG as the one hard synth everyone has so make sure you learn it enough to stand out. The after touch on the keyboard is too perfect. Apparently it may even enable to slave vintage synths that use CV to the computer for midi sequencing within Ableton or what have you.

Tonight’s contributors include:

Roostex (Editor in Chief | Founder)

D-Sane (Lead Editor | Founder)

EAD Kate (Associate Editor)

Boarbro (“Bro’s Life” Editor)

We will also have included sections of the speech from:

Barrack Obama (“President” of the United State of America)

D-Sane: Welcome to the first official Deep Wing. Tonight we will be discussing the 2012 State of the Union Address. Also we will be making fun of President Obama and the general pageantry and uselessness of this event. Be sure to refresh the page every few minutes to catch the latest commentary.

D-Sane: Boarbro, what’s your take on tonight’s events?

Boarbro: Shit man, I dunno, but I hope they announce they are legalizing pot. That’s pretty much my only dog in this fight. If anyone can make ‘em do it, Obama can make ‘em do it. And if Obama can’t, my money is on Butt Cum. That guy has a lot of interesting things to say. President Butt Cum, 2012!

D-Sane: Ummm…alright. NBC is playing the tail end of some really dumb reality TV show with some woman with a giant gut. These people look like they walked out of a cult house. A fat people’s cult house. I don’t have any of the 24 hour news networks which are most likely running pre-game coverage at the moment.

D-Sane: And here we go.

D-Sane: I’m betting on him not even mentioning censorship or detaining American citizens at all.

D-Sane: America’s elderly and corrupt join together in one building for one night only. It’s great to see that one of America’s most time honored traditions continues to serve almost no purpose in our modern day world of instant communication.

D-Sane: In walks the First Lady, controversially not dressed as Tina Turner’s character from the Mad Max movie as was expected.

Boarbro: Yo, that bitch is hot. I don’t care if she’s black, I’d still hit it. I’m not racist though.

D-Sane: Barry is shaking hands with a few people and one of the old men has purple hair. He didn’t realize that his wig wasn’t natural I suppose.

EAD Kate: He’s doing a good job of walking. That little Justice looks like Rachael Dratch.

D-Sane: Now we must all bow our heads and pray to Cthulu.

D-Sane: He’s starting with how he brought back the troops. It’s one of his strongest points, but has he fully brought back ALL the troops or just some of the troops of the unpopular war? Applause from everyone.

Boarbro: Dude is bragging about how he shot a sandnigger. WTF?

Barrack Obama: Think about the America within our reach: A country that leads the world in educating its people. An America that attracts a new generation of high-tech manufacturing and high-paying jobs. A future where we’re in control of our own energy, and our security and prosperity aren’t so tied to unstable parts of the world. An economy built to last, where hard work pays off, and responsibility is rewarded.

D-Sane: He just said a bunch of nonsense and then got applause. Speaking in terms of abstracts and bragging about things that happened under FDR doesn’t really deserve applause.

D-Sane: Now he’s hating on technology and multinational corporations without offering any real solutions.

Barrack Obama: A return to the American values of fair play and shared responsibility will help us protect our people and our economy. But it should also guide us as we look to pay down our debt and invest in our future.

EAD Kate: American values. Psh. That means nothing. No one wants to work for their money anymore.

D-Sane: Between the lines he’s also blaming all of the financial problems with the country on Bush era policies.

EAD Kate: It doesn’t do any good to create jobs if people are too lazy to work. Where’s my free healthcare?

D-Sane: Basically all he’s doing is bragging about his accomplishments. What you’re seeing is not a State of the Union Address but rather a point by point #bragbag of Obama’s last 3 years in office. You’re seeing the first true points of the Obama ’12 campaign.

D-Sane: John Kerry looks like he was in a fight. I think I heard one of the TV commentators saying he actually was in a fight earlier.

Barrack Obama: From now on, every multinational company should have to pay a basic minimum tax. And every penny should go towards lowering taxes for companies that choose to stay here and hire here.

D-Sane: He’s talking about multinational companies paying more taxes, but this is something that he can’t actually hold any company accountable for. If I’m the CEO of Walmart, there’s absolutely nothing to stop me from migrating my company to China and just having the sales front be in America, selling the cheaply manufactured shit to fat, boneheaded Americans who can’t afford anything because I’m not paying my fair share of taxes. Obama cannot enforce this and multinationals will continue to exist and even prosper in the future.

EAD Kate: Obama’s actually making some good points about keeping jobs here at home. The old white guys in the audience totally aren’t down with his ideas. Stone faces all around.

Boarbro: Yo Obama bro, can you get me a job? I have references from the guy behind the liquor store and from my pot dealer. I have 5 years experience in smoking, drinking, shooting, watching TV, not giving a fuck, and playing Ultimate Frisbee.

D-Sane: And now we have the token layman cameo where the president mentions a very specific person with a unique situation. This is a great story, but not even close to the picture of the whole country.

EAD Kate: The only way to level the playing field for workers in America vs. foreign workers is to get the children working again.

Roostex: (arriving late) The hugs in the intro prove he’s in bed with the politicians who we already don’t trust.

Roostex: What does everyone who doesn’t work for GM and Masterlock do? We don’t want a currency based on American industry, we want an independent money that doesnt fail when a certain industry fails.

Barrack Obama: Teachers matter. So instead of bashing them, or defending the status quo, let’s offer schools a deal. Give them the resources to keep good teachers on the job, and reward the best ones.

Roostex: Teachers matter because they instill to children to follow the government blindly. They need to replace every teacher with a computer.

EAD Kate: Really? You’re smarter if you stay IN school? Thanks for the update Obama.

D-Sane: Just forgive all of the student loans already out there. You will get all of the former students who voted for you last election to vote for you this election. Instant win, dude.

Roostex: He’s just reinforcing that he is completely out of touch with the common man.

Barrack Obama: I believe as strongly as ever that we should take on illegal immigration. That’s why my Administration has put more boots on the border than ever before. That’s why there are fewer illegal crossings than when I took office.

Roostex: No one would care about immigrants if we didn’t just give out free shit to everyone that comes over here.

D-Sane: Right, if we were to just keep people out of here that weren’t contributing anything and only taking from and abusing the system, there would be more money to go around for the people who actually are from here.

Barrack Obama: You see, an economy built to last is one where we encourage the talent and ingenuity of every person in this country. That means women should earn equal pay for equal work. It means we should support everyone who’s willing to work; and every risk-taker and entrepreneur who aspires to become the next Steve Jobs.

D-Sane: “Women should earn equal pay for equal work.” Yeah, sure…just mention something that already happens. And bringing up Steve Jobs? That Sociopath? The guy who is directly responsible for hiring sweatshop workers who have to murder themselves in protest of their employer’s business practices?

Boarbro: Obama’s default response: “You make a bill and I’ll sign it. What’s so hard about that?” They must have an applause sign in the room because most of this stuff should not be cheered.

D-Sane: Take a drink every time Obama mentions a bullshit human interest story that is supposed to prove that the economy is turning around.

Roostex: It’s time to end all tax payer help to all industry, not just oil. How does GM selling cars out of country help us any more than oil companies getting the benefit? Three million homes? How many homes are there in the actual country? Much more than 3 million. This will be a drop in the bucket.

EAD Kate: You’re so right Roostex. Bring back capitalism without government involvement.

D-Sane: Energy waste is not an issue. Pollution comes more from cars and methane gas than from industrial waste. Let’s get less population in our country (and world) to truly cut back on pollution.

Barrack Obama: There is no question that some regulations are outdated, unnecessary, or too costly. In fact, I’ve approved fewer regulations in the first three years of my presidency than my Republican predecessor did in his. I’ve ordered every federal agency to eliminate rules that don’t make sense. We’ve already announced over 500 reforms, and just a fraction of them will save business and citizens more than $10 billion over the next five years. We got rid of one rule from 40 years ago that could have forced some dairy farmers to spend $10,000 a year proving that they could contain a spill – because milk was somehow classified as an oil. With a rule like that, I guess it was worth crying over spilled milk.

D-Sane: Obama just made a groan-worthy milk spill joke. Ugh.

Boarbro: Obama, that joke was so 90s!

D-Sane: Obama on healthcare: New rules should be that men and women are charged the same.

Boarbro: Guess what Brobama, men got cocks and women got cunts. Talkin’ bout fuckin’ N suckin’! Shit’s all different downstairs, man. Ain’t you never seen a pussy? Maybe you assumed men and women are the same because your wife has a big pussy that looks just like your big pussy. THIS JUST IN: In addition to being the first black president, Obama is also the first female president and the first lesbian president, what with all of the pussies they have going on up in the White House, or should I say the Black House!! You have to charge women for all the times they go get their pussies checked, AKA shit costs more for women, son!

Barrack Obama: So if you’re a big bank or financial institution, you are no longer allowed to make risky bets with your customers’ deposits. You’re required to write out a “living will” that details exactly how you’ll pay the bills if you fail – because the rest of us aren’t bailing you out ever again.

Roostex: It’s not the bank’s fault they asked for money, it’s the government’s fault that they agreed to give it to them.

Barrack Obama: We will also establish a Financial Crimes Unit of highly trained investigators to crack down on large-scale fraud and protect people’s investments.

EAD Kate: Get ready for the new show on NBC next Fall — Law & Order: FCU.

D-Sane: Wow, he actually said something good. “People like me and members of Congress should pay our fair share.”

Boarbro: What?!? You want Congress to pay taxes? You so crazy, Brobama!

Boarbro: Main Street and Wall Street? Where’s the mention of Back Alley? Where is the increased incentives on illegal activities for behind the liquor store?

Barrack Obama: The executive branch also needs to change. Too often, it’s inefficient, outdated and remote. That’s why I’ve asked this Congress to grant me the authority to consolidate the federal bureaucracy so that our Government is leaner, quicker, and more responsive to the needs of the American people.

D-Sane: I do like the idea of a leaner government, but I feel like Obama wouldn’t know how to do that.

Barrack Obama: I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln believed: That Government should do for people only what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more.

D-Sane: Claiming to believe in what a Republican from over 100 years ago believed in is complete hogwash, Mr. President. Any student of basic political science understands that in the last 100-150 years, we have seen the political parties flip in name only on every issue. Republican of yesteryear believed in what Democrats of today believe in, and vice versa. Therefore this quote does not serve your Republican grabbing interests the way you are trying to shoehorn it into doing. It might confuse some of the less educated Americans, but people who actually have some sense and understanding of history will not be fooled.

Roostex: It’s pretty weak to be using this speech to point fingers when you yourself aren’t doing anything. You’re just sitting there bragging about these figurehead accomplishments such as murdering Gadhafi but what have you actually accomplished? Where is the change you promised?

Boarbro: Jesus Christ, did you see Hillary? No wonder Bill left that cuntface. Holy shit.

Roostex: Who is Obama to decide that Iran isn’t allowed to be a real nation? Why is Israel’s security our problem? When did America actually become the parody presented in Team America: World Police? Actually, movies paint a really clear picture of our future if we continue in this direction. We’re like 100 years away from Idiocracy becoming a real thing.

D-Sane: And it seems like he’s wrapping things up with a token “support the troops moment” where he’s trying desperately to pander to republican voters. And god damn, Hillary looks like a troll.

Roostex: At least this speech is mostly scolding politicians, even though it will ultimately do nothing at all. It’s just a big dog and pony show to make you think the government is going to try harder if you give Obama a 2nd chance. He’s like an abusive boyfriend that apologizes right after hitting his girlfriend. It’s like, what does every movie have when theres an oppressed nation in turmoil? Their leader promising hope on the TV.

D-Sane: Right, they lie to our faces in hopes that we ignore the fact that they are converting their personal money supply to gold and refueling the helicopters with gas.

Roostex: Hillary looked like a toad about to inflate her neck.

EAD Kate: So I just watched this for an hour and I still don’t know what state our union is in.

D-Sane: This was just the launching point of Obama’s campaign, nothing more. We didn’t hear anything specific and nothing but empty promises. Thanks a lot Obama.

Boarbro: Didn’t see any titties, waste of my life. Fuck you Brobama!

D-Sane: And as I predicted earlier, Obama didn’t mention censorship or detaining American citizens. Thanks a lot Obama. Thanks for joining us tonight, stay tuned to Tears of Time for more Deep Wing coverage of future events (not necessarily politically motivated). Also, stay tuned to the national 24/7 establishment media for all of the best spinning of this event to emphasize and de-emphasize all of the different points of tonight’s State of the Union Address. Goodnight, America.

Tears of Time will be Deep Wing covering this event with live commentary and dissection of the nonsense that is happening. Expect coverage to begin around 8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 PM CST. To view the coverage, just go to the post above this one (when it goes live) and hit refresh every now and then for up to the minute nitpicking from all of your favorite Tears of Time staff members.

In the last two months, our most popular page on this site has been a post about Tyler Perry’s “Meet the Browns” being canceled. Yes, the show was canceled. According to Wikipedia:

In November 2011, TBS suddenly announced that the series finale would be airing since it was cancelled. The final two episodes aired on November 18, 2011, concluding the series with 140 episodes in total.

As a person who operates on logic and reasoning, it might make sense that directly following the cancellation of this show there would be a natural upspike of interest among fans looking for more information of why this show was canceled. After all, when Courtney Love flashed her tits on stage a few months ago, we had a mammoth upspike of hits based on the fact that we ran a picture of her on our site. But the puzzling thing about “Meet the Browns” is that the number keeps gradually increasing. It seems like every day (and especially January 20th) we are seeing more and more visitors to our site based on Google keyword searches pertaining to this show. It’s baffling.

What can this mean? I’m not sure. I am no psychologist and I don’t have any unique insight into the human condition, but I do know that Tyler Perry’s audience tends to skew towards the legally retarded scale of an IQ test. There are most likely fans of the show who are gradually finding out that the show has been canceled. They also might be trying to find out why the show isn’t airing new episodes any more.

Whatever the reason, we welcome their traffic to our site with open arms. Maybe Tyler Perry himself is referring traffic to us due to our excellent coverage of his show’s cancellation. After providing no interesting or funny take on what it means to be human in the course of the show, we would hope that Tyler Perry would favor a site such as ours to do the hard work for him. But maybe “Meet the Browns” is just worthless trash masquerading as light, family friendly comedy in hopes of earning more cash for a soulless black man.

Tyler Perry is the devil.