In her article which was written with the skill of a 10-year old, Theresa Walsh Giarrusso of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution poses a question to her audience: Should you bring a toddler to “Zero Dark Thirty”? Aside from that movie being a jingoistic snoozefest of the bureaucratic search for Bin Ladin, children have no place in any movie theater. Just like cell phone users or women who dance along to Captain America, there are just certain things that have no place in a theater. Giarrusso’s objection here is with the content of the film being appropriate for the eyes of a child, but what really should be asked is if children can behave themselves quietly in a dark room for 2-3 hours. My own anecdotal evidence suggests that no, they cannot.

Children don’t have fully formed brains. They scream and cry and shit themselves. They should all be locked up in prison-schools from birth until they are 18 rather than coddled and shown off to the public. If the children at Sandy Hook were on lockdown, they would all still be alive.

Be a responsible adult — don’t piss off other moviegoers by bringing your filthy crotch-spawn.

Analog fucking tape!

Not only that, each archive will also have its own off-site mirrored archive to preserve the information in case of a disaster at the on-site location in Washington DC. Because it is extremely important to remember about that one time Justin Bieber smoked pot. The Library of Congress claims that this is an effort to preserve what life was like in the early millennial era for future historians to look back on and that the analog tape is the standard format for long term storage.

Ok, I will buy that maybe a server could be easily corrupted or maybe a Y2K-esque event could happen (except this time for real). But who in their right mind is going to go dig through billions of tweets to find hidden truths about our era? Absolutely no one. For research regarding trending topics, this effort could prove interesting in 100 years, but why not just print out a list of the daily trending topics and file them? Seems a lot simpler to me.

Possibly the most redundant and unnecessary aspect to this news is that Twitter itself does its own archiving. It essentially is an archive or a repository. A tweet from 2006 can be recalled in an instant with only minimal effort by just about anyone on the planet from anywhere there is a data connection. Putting this much effort into preserving a sea of bullshit is most definitely a waste of tax payer dollars. And if the company ever goes bankrupt or decides to just pull the plug and call it quits, how much would really lose as a culture if we didn’t have all of the tweets in the world? I can’t imagine the world being too bummed out by the lose of its tweets.

I guess the most important thing to take away from this story is that the seemingly random generated text account @Horse_ebooks will be forever enshrined in the Library of Congress. Slowly approaching the billion, indeed.

Follow us on Twitter.

Well, not quite. This photo and the fallout from it remind us all about how unnecessarily complicated and ultimately pointless Facebook’s privacy settings are. The real trick to keeping things private is to not post them on the internet, but shouldn’t Randi know that by now? The world the Zuckensteins have created is actively begging people to share every irrelevant detail of their lives with everyone. They pretty much had this coming to them all along. Randi got cranky when she realized her faux pas and made the story into a much bigger deal that it actually was. Maybe new revisions and updates to the privacy policy of Facebook will be implemented in response to this issue, but will it really solve anything?

And will Mark ever get that stupid expression off his face?

While not necessarily Ke$ha’s most offensive work, the song is obviously in no way connected to the shooting in CT. If one were to look at more than the title of the song, namely the phrase in the chorus directly before the title, one would find that Ke$ha is advocating living life to the fullest by saying “let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young.” Essentially this is the same message as Prince’s song “1999,” just with more techno.

I don’t personally care if Ke$ha makes any money from her single or from sales of her album. Whether the song is or is not on the radio is not really that relevant to album sales these days, but to pull a song from radio stations simply because it reminds you of something bad is moronic. It’s just as moronic as incorrectly blaming Mass Effect 3 for the killings.

And in a world where it is only acceptable to publicly discuss tragedy with the utmost faux-sincerity, the news media has put on their Serious News Face and caused radio to be reactionary. The only solace I gain from either of these things is that radio and TV news are quickly losing their relevance in a highly internet focused world. Hell, 4chan knew about the killings before they even happened.

First came Instagram’s news that they will be selling your photos. After their $1 billion buy out from Facebok, investors in the company are no doubt wondering what the fuck that money will be used for in terms of cash return. The answer of course is nothing, but in an attempt to buoy the sinking ship that is social media, Instagram decided to just sell off user photos without permission. Users are given until January 16th of next year to determine if they want their grainy out of focus pictures of their lunches to be used for any evil purposes that Instagram desires. If users delete their accounts before then, their faux-sun bleached Polaroid pictures of cats will be safe. This announcement has seen hundreds of articles and millions of Facebook status updates written about it with Instagram users complaining of privacy issues. “How will my pathetic attempts at artistic photos of my tits which I sext to each other people be used?” many users question. The real solution was to never use Instagram in the first place. Allowing a company to have access to your life is basically asking to be anally raped. At this point, you can only hope they use lube. Oh, and by the way, you won’t receive any credit or compensation for your sepia toned snapshots of flowers.

Then without warning, Facebook launched the second prong of its attack in the form of its announcement to use auto-play video ads on web and mobile platforms in April, 2013. The most reviled of all forms of advertisements in the online space, auto-play ads will likely cause a mass exodus of the Facebook user-base in its shortsighted attempt at placating the demands of its investors. Imagine how angry you will become once you have to wait through a 15 second ad every time you click on some part of the website. After a few days, I fully expect the site to become a ghost town. Oh, and by the way, the video ads running on Facebook will most likely be populated with pictures gathered from Instagram.

See, when a company becomes more interested in helping its investors than in helping its users, that company suffers. Finding the natural balance between bringing a return to investors and a pleasant user experience can be a tight rope to walk, and honestly, Facebook just doesn’t have the tact to make it. The investors don’t want to admit that they have been duped into buying a worthless product and are yelling at that product until it can shit out some money, but that approach doesn’t work. If the users aren’t respected then they have no reason to continue to be users. Look at MySpace. Look at Google Buzz. People don’t like ads and they don’t like their content being used without their permission. Maybe Zuckerberg should save himself an embarrassing 1-year anniversary of his overly inflated IPO by stepping down before he has to answer to the investors.

Feel free to like us on Facebook while you still can, and be sure to install Adblock Plus on your browser.

The thing that all of these me-too companies don’t get is that people enjoy them for what they originally brought to the table. Google is good for search, Microsoft is good for Windows 7, and Facebook is for nothing. Why don’t we all just calm down for a moment and focus on being the master of our crafts instead of a high tech jack of all trades that no one is interested in dealing with?

Despite Google’s claim about increasing legitimacy, the real reason for combining these services, as we all know, is so that Google can directly sell things to their 15-person Google+ user base. With an integrated Google Play store right in a person’s social network, now users won’t even have to be linked to external websites to be told to buy things. And of course, Google gets its cut of the dough.

All of this is of course part of Google’s master plan to merge all of its services into one major internet hub. Let me ask you something, Google: how well did that work out for Yahoo? For AOL? Getting your email, news, search, shopping, and socializing all in one place sounds good on paper, but it only lasts until the point that some one else comes along and performs one of those services better. Then Google will either need to buy up that service, cut a deal with it, or bleed users.

If Google could just calm down for a moment instead of being so myopic and greedy, they might notice that they aren’t winning any fans with a lot of the changes that have been made in the last 18 months. It’s only a matter of time before hipsters are ironically using Google to search for stuff online because the mass population has moved on to a better service.

In a world in which free operating systems exist, 90% of business is conducted on websites and via the cloud, and smart phones are literally baby’s toys, Microsoft thinks that it is going to sell people on the idea of re-buying all of their programs by selling them an operating system that is incompatible with any of their programs. And announcing to the world that it has 1300 apps for Windows 8 is certainly a move in the wrong direction.

If you’re paying for software, you’re an idiot. Especially if you’re a consumer paying for software — just stop. People who produce content (art, movies, books, music, etc) might still have a need for software in 2012 and beyond, but those who want to check their Facebook and play Angry Birds have absolutely no business being the consumers of software products.

Having Facebook and Twitter integration in an operating system is not a feature, it’s a burden. Integration of that stuff makes sense for handheld devices and phones, but in most families, there are still less computers than people. Are all of the different users’ Facebook friends supposed to merge together into an incomprehensible list of strangers? And how hard can it be to log into a website to check your email, and then leave that tab open in case you want to check your email again?

A the years roll by, Microsoft is proving time and time again that it is a company ruled by old, out of touch men, who are frightened by the idea of their bank accounts drying up if the slow trickle of software sales ever stops. They are attacking modern problems with old sales techniques and their dominance of the marketplace is being eroded by more nimble corporations that aren’t so slavishly tied to old business models. Microsoft is quickly becoming a footnote in the evolution of business and computing.

While Republicans were making a shit show out of themselves on stage every week this year, Obama was just sitting around being presidential. America has a history of re-electing the sitting presidents and only in rare cases does the incumbent not win his re-election. This is because Americans lack imagination. The only way to unseat an incumbent is if they are just doing horribly, and Obama did a whole lot of nothing his first term, so the perception amongst moderates was “at least he’s not evil.” Now we will get to see the full power of an Obama not seeking re-election.

In 2016, Old Man Biden will not be running, so we will have a similar playing field to that of the 2008 election — tons of Republicans vs. tons of Democrats. In theory, Rand Paul will be running on the Republican side, but he may still bear the stench of Libertarianism from his father, so he is a longshot, even 4 years out. The task of president will instead fall to newcomers.

And yet, these newcomers will look and feel exactly like the candidates of the past. There will be many familiar faces — Newt Gingrich, Hillary Clinton, Rick Perry, John Edwards — and many newbies ready to look crazy on a national stage. And the most middle of the road candidate will win and after being elected, they will accomplish nothing in office, win re-election, and then try to have some legislation be their legacy. And we will repeat this cycle ad nauseum, as ordained by the High Prophets until the world burns.

People have all kinds of excuses for voting and all of them are bullshit. I will break them down now:

“I believe in what candidate X says. He is trustworthy and he has won my vote.”

You are a fool if you believe anything a politician tells you. You can follow their public voting records to get a better idea of what they stand for, but even then, each of those votes is an extremely calculated tactic to gain further votes from you. You don’t know anything about the inner workings of their mind, the situations they have lived through, or how they will react in the future. You might as well vote for a monkey in a tuxedo because he is well dressed.

“If you don’t vote, the bad guys will win. We must set aside our differences to pile on votes for a guy that we don’t necessarily believe in, but hey, at least he’s not that bad guy.”

Forgetting that you have the right to abstain from any decision is the first step toward making wrong decisions. You’re not voting against candidate X or candidate Y, you’re voting for them. If you don’t 100% agree with their policies (if you even know what they are) then you should not vote for either one of them. Let them convince people to vote for them rather than against the other guy.

“I’m voting 3rd party because if enough of us get together, we can get rid of these filthy rats in Washington!”

Voting 3rd party might have been effective 100 years ago before the big two parties systematically eliminated every advantage that a 3rd party might have. Excluding the media’s interest in focusing on two parties, you also have all of the other reasons on this list that people vote, and in those reasons, you will not see 3rd party voters. 3rd parties have the deck stacked against them and you’re literally wasting your time to vote 3rd party.

“I live in a swing state so I have to vote because my vote matters more!”

The entire concept of swing states as well as the Electoral College that allows for the conditions that let swing states exist are complete bullshit. This process of distilling votes to the ones that “actually matter” should be illegal. It’s merely a process by which the media uses to make their jobs easier on election day. Why cover every district when you can cover just a few of them? Take note of how many times tonight the press mentions something along the lines of “with less than 1% of the votes counted, we are calling this county.” It’s because they know how the counties vote historically and making a change deviates from their plan. Stand up to this system of disenfranchising voters by sitting down and not voting.

“I’m voting early.”

Your vote will be lost sooner rather than later.

“I’m away from home so I am absentee voting.”

Your vote didn’t make it home. It never stood a chance.

“I’m a youth voter and I am getting out there to rock the vote! In 40 years I will be able to have said that I helped to shape this country for the better.”

The two political parties that this country favors just take turns representing the same corporate interests every year. The entire idea of a choice or an alternative to the established order is a facade designed to make people think they are having an effect while their political power is stripped from them due to voting for X or Y when really, X = Y. Any attempt at straying from the middle and actually taking a stance on something is eliminated from a candidate long before you’ve ever even heard their name. And this system is now attempting to leech off of the youth voters by tricking them early into voting for X or Y instead of following their hearts by staying home and hiding in a shroud of apathy.

“I am bored, I don’t have any particular political leaning, and it’s election day. I might as well go vote.”

Congratulations, you are a senior citizen.

Finally, let’s consider what would happen if nobody voted. The president only is given the keys to the kingdom for 4 years. If nobody turned up to vote, he would have to step down and there would be no more presidents. Everyone would think for themselves. That is real change. That is real power. If we all band together and don’t vote, we can get those filthy rats out of Washington.

So who is to blame for this fuckery? Is it the fucking idiots at Good Morning America for not putting a 7 second delay on their show despite that being fairly common practice in a post-Janet Jackson America? Is it that fucking actor Tom Hanks for not watching his tongue? Is it the writer of the fucking movie he is there promoting for writing the character with such a foul mouth? Or is it that fucking idiot Elizabeth Vargas at Good Morning America for pestering Hanks into doing the accent even though he didn’t want to?

I think that fault lies with those fucking idiots who think that “fuck” is not a word and whom are angered when they fucking hear it. People say “fuck” all the time. It’s fairly fucking common vernacular. The people who can’t fucking understand that need to get with the fucking program already. It’s not like this is 19-fucking-50 America any more.

Language and expression have long been hindered by people who want to control it and every fucking time, those people have lost. So go ahead and boycott Good Fucking Morning Fuck-merica. People who are watching that show need to find better fucking things to do with their lives anyway. It’s just a fucking word. Fuck.

Fucks per article count: 26

• Neil Armstrong – The first man on the moon has finally worn out his welcome on this planet and has returned to his homeland.
• Chris Lighty – Whether by suicide or murder with the attempt at making it look like suicide, this hip hop record label owner was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head, and given that his Wikipedia page’s most recent artist he worked with is 50 Cent, it’s no wonder he decided to shuffle loose the mortal coil.
• Stallone’s Sister – Not even a full month after Stallone’s son died, his sister died. But given that these two events happened right around the release of Expendables 2, one can’t help but wonder if this was all some elaborate marketing scheme. I’m not implying Stallone is killing his family specifically to keep his name in the headlines, but I am typing “Stallone” and “Murderer” in close proximity to each other to let Google think these keywords are related.
• Steve Franken – Some TV character actor that no one has heard of has kicked the bucket. Where were all of the #RIPSTEVEFRANKEN Twitter updates?
• Mark Abrahamian – There’s a timeline here, so let’s just see if we can follow it: In 1965, the band Jefferson Airplane formed. One year later Mark Abrahamian was born. Jefferson Airplane had a few hits, but they ultimately decided to go separate ways. By 1974, the band had “evolved” into Jefferson Starship after extensive roster changes. 10 years later in 1984, the last original member of Jefferson Airplane left Jefferson Starship to pursue a lucrative career in bringing lawsuits against anyone using the word Jefferson in the name of their band, so the remaining members of Jefferson Starship became known simply as Starship. In 2001, Mark Abrahamian joined Starship. And now this guy who happened to be in a band that technically was older than he was has died. There’s not really a punchline to this one, it’s just a really strange series of events.
• Joe South – This guy sang a few songs in the 70s, so he probably had more of a chance of being in the proper Jefferson Airplane than Mark Abrahamian.
• Christopher Stevens – I’m not even really sure what caused the attack on the US embassy in Libya, but it probably had something to do with Gadhafi. Rather than making a joke about this guy that no one had ever heard of before his death, I’d like to point out how stupid it is that we are policing the world and that terrorist groups will always exist. That is all.
• Bob Lambert – One of the men responsible for the death of traditional animation at Disney has himself died, possibly as some sort of curse put upon his house by the ghost of traditional animation. We can only hope that Disney and other copycat studios will realize the error of their ways and return to the more interesting visual style 2D animation in an attempt to re-animate the corpse of traditional animation, thereby breaking the curse and ensuring that there is no Toy Story 4. Oh god, just the fact that I mentioned Toy Story 4 will probably mean it will see a holiday 2013 release date.
• John Ingle – A soap opera star from the 70s died. He would probably be more famous if he had just been a factory worker or a coal miner.
• Andy Williams – The bio on this classic crooner’s official website says this as the very last paragraph: “Andy works just as hard today as he did in the beginning. The only difference is that he loves what he’s doing now even more than he did back then.” Either some one forgot to notify the webmaster that Andy Williams had died or his estate is planning to milk money out of his corpse — probably both.
• Johnny Lewis – Apparently having bit parts in “hit” movies such as Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem is enough to drive any former Scientologist to the point of breaking and entering into an old woman’s house that ends in a murder suicide.
• Sahara Davenport – Now they are giving the reality TV stars eulogies. Fuck.

666 Park Avenue (ABC)
First up we have ABC’s decidedly stupid premise of the devil running a hotel. Or something. People who are interested in the occult might tune in, but the watered down for ABC format will not be very appealing for many.
REPLACED!

Animal Practice (NBC)
NBC’s new comedy about animal doctors starring Justin Kirk (the uncle from Weeds) would probably be alright if it weren’t such a stupid premise. Justin Kirk is always hilarious on Weeds, but we feel like he will suffer here due to being upstaged by monkey actors. Let’s face it: the animals will always be the butt of every joke on this show and the only people that think animals are funny are babies and old people.
REPLACED!

Arrow (CW)
The CW is attempting to replicate the success Smallville with their new show Arrow, based on the the character Green Arrow from DC Comics. Since CW kind of ignores ratings due to the fact that no one watches that channel anyway, expect to see 6 seasons of Arrow.
STAYING!

Beauty and the Beast (CW)
Another CW misfire that is sure to stay for years, Beauty and the Beast is a drama about Beauty and the Beast. It is reportedly going to be remake of the 80s TV version of Beauty and the Beast, where there’s a bunch of attempted drama, non-plot, and people crying, except this time the guy is not going to actually resemble a beast (he will have a scar on his otherwise non-beastly face). So it will be complete shit, and it will be around for 5 years.
STAYING!

Ben and Kate (Fox)
This is probably an attempt to replicate the success of the non-traditional family style sitcom, in the same vein as Modern Family. We read the plot description and can’t follow it at all. Probably will be shit.
REPLACED!

Chicago Fire (NBC)
Dick Wolf (the executive producer who is fresh out of ideas for the Law and Order franchise) is testing the waters with firefighter procedural dramas. While Wolf has several solid hits in the Law and Order universe, he has just as many, if not more, misses. Changing the setting from New York to Chicago and redirecting the focus to fighting fires instead of crime could pay off big for what could be considered a stale genre. Or it could be another flop. We think it will make it at least through the first season though.
STAYING!

Elementary (CBS)
A modern day Sherlock Holmes story starring two washed up movie stars (Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu). It has promise, but CBS will most likely pull all of the punches of a show about a recovering addict that solves crimes. However, given CBS’s current status as the top network, this show will run for at least the duration of its 1st season.
STAYING!

Emily Owens, M.D. (CW)
In a season overflowing with shows about doctors, one of them is bound to get lost in the shuffle, in which case our money is on this, the most bland of the bunch. A person who is only famous for being Merryl Streep’s daughter stars in this show that compares working in a hospital to attending high school, which was already the premise of a handful of episodes of Scrubs. This show will fail.
REPLACED!

Go On (NBC)
After his big whiff on ABC last year with Mr. Sunshine, Matthew Perry returns home home to NBC, reeking of the stench of defeat and with his tail between his legs as he trys desperately to salvage the remainder of his post-Friends career before he dies a horrible death, probably by his own hand. He plays some asshole that isn’t funny and has some issues about his dead wife. Snoozer.
REPLACED!

Guys With Kids (NBC)
As a show that was formerly known as DILFs, Guys With Kids is already showing hard signs of catering to network pressures in order to play it safe and not offend anyone. Perpetual last place NBC is trying its damnedest to fill their sitcom quota this year after it announced that most of its Thursday night line up will be canceled (due to low ratings, despite being some of the best shows on television). Guys With Kids will not help them win back the fans who haven’t returned since Seinfeld stopped airing.
REPLACED!

Last Resort (ABC)
The convoluted quasi-militaristic plot of this new ABC drama will surely enrapture the mostly soccer mom audience of shows like NCIS and The Unit. American moms just can’t get enough of this shit.
STAYING!

Made in Jersey (CBS)
A show about a woman who is a lawyer, camouflaged under the veneer of Jersey Shore. Absolute shit.
REPLACED!

Major Crimes (TNT)
A spin off of TNT’s wildly successful The Closer, Major Crimes will be around forever, because nobody watches TNT, but they have to have something on the air for when you’re skipping all of the channels between the big 4 networks and Comedy Central.
STAYING!

Malibu Country (ABC)
Reba McEntire plays the exact same character in the exact same premise that she played on her last show called Reba, but this time it’s set in Malibu. It probably has no direct connect to the previous show except for the recycled plots and character archetypes. It will be part of ABC’s main lineup for the next 5 years. Fucking kill us now.
STAYING!

The Mindy Project (Fox)
An unsurprisingly horrible transition from The Office‘s Mindy Kaling from background character/writer to star/referencer of romantic comedy trash, The Mindy Project stars Kaling as, you guessed it: a doctor. She also sniped Ed Helms from The Office along with some other comedians and they are all sure to go down in a horrible blaze of glory. Despite having a dream job that pays well, a hot dude as a fuck buddy, and probably a lot of money, Kaling is still unhappy. The whole show is just her bitching and complaining about her life while making references to her favorite romantic comedies. On any network besides Fox, we wouldn’t expect this show to make it, but since Fox has the tendency to let shows stick around strictly because of the names attached to them, this one is…
STAYING!

The Mob Doctor (Fox)
More doctors! This doctor is connected to the mob for some reason. No big names attached though, so this one will be….
REPLACED!

Nashville (ABC)
The premise of this plays like a tired one-off episode of some better show: an aging female country music singer has to work with a younger Miley Cyrus type of person who is stealing her spotlight. ABC, sticking to their old staples of producing shit, have what might easily be the most boring show of the 2012 Fall line up on their hands.
REPLACED!

The Neighbors (ABC)
Some people move into a new neighborhood and all of their neighbors are aliens. We think that to pitch a show to ABC, you just need to have a horrible idea and they will green light it.
REPLACED!

The New Normal (NBC)
Ever since Ellen came out of the closet, we have had a rush of gay-centric TV shows or gay characters on non-gay oriented TV shows because these days it’s cool to be gay. The New Normal will undoubtedly run all of the gay stereotypes out on stage, make them wear sequins and glitter as they dance for money, and then act like there is something wrong with people who aren’t interested in seeing this. We don’t have a problem with gay people, we just don’t think that a show about two gay dudes and their surrogate mother has the legs to last a full season.
REPLACED!

Partners (CBS)
More gay! This situation involves 3 men and 1 woman, 2 of whom are gay and 2 of whom are straight. Without bothering to put faces to sexual orientations, this explanation can get kind of confusing, but this show was developed by the people that did Will and Grace, so we’re expecting it to stick around for a while.
STAYING!

Revolution (NBC)
J.J. Abrams.
STAYING!

Stars Earn Stripes (NBC)
Oh Jesus, they are starting a “famous person” themed reality TV show in the Fall? Everyone knows you save those stinker programs for Spring or Summer season. Bonus points: How desperate is NBC when Todd Palin is considered a star?
REPLACED!

Vegas (CBS)
This show features all of the attempt at recreating the 1960s that was started by Mad Men with none of the skill of AMC. CBS has set this crime drama in Las Vegas in the 1960s and some how they unearthed Dennis Quaid to play the lead. We expect a network program like this to pull all of the punches that its cable counterpart hits audiences with on a nightly basis. To the networks, they just see Mad Men as being a show set in the 60s and that people love the aesthetic alone without regard for the characters or the situations. While this might be true to some extent, the ability to make the show real by including situations, violence, and language that a network would never air are exactly the reason why shows like Mad Men are so much more successful that network programming. One need only look to last year’s simultaneous flops of Pan Am and The Playboy Club to see the results of networks trying to dabble in the 60s without fully understanding what makes Mad Men so great.
REPLACED!

Now that we’ve gotten through all of that dog shit, we can tell you that we think 10 of 23 new shows this season will make it to next season. Last year we were right about 56.7% of the shows that aired, which is more than you can say about your stupid predictions. In terms of shows that we’d actually watch, none of them look appealing in the least. Try better in 2013, TV executives.

What’s really going on is that Amanda is retiring from the “glamor” of Hollywood and seeking a more dignified profession in the fashion industry. She’s retired! People gonna be buyin’ her shit, yo! You know you want to wear some clothes designed by the girl who had a bit part in Easy A. Her publicists and agents and shit are acting like they dropped her, but really, my girl fired them all. Why would she need those parasites in her new career? And as for taking off her top in a gym, I mean, you gotta let them puppies breathe, am I right? She was just trying to get some ideas for new strapless sports bras. She’s an innovator, duh.

So sign me up to be your first underwear model, Bynesey. I’ve got a package I need to deposit in your slot. And for your retirement from the bullshit of Hollywood, I got you a gold watch with “Amanda Please” inscrubed on it. A little bling never hurt nobody. And to anyone who is thinking Amanda Bynes is on pills and alcohol — fuuuuuuck yoooouu, broooo! I mean, I sold her some zoloft and told her they go down easiest with alcohol, but who isn’t doing that shit? You gotta feel good, man.

This really brings to the forefront the bigger issue of why celebrities keep getting in trouble. Part of me is glad that the police aren’t showing favoritism to famous people who want to act like animals, but at the same time, why are they acting like animals? What is causing their drug fueled breakdowns? With Bynes and Lohan, the answer is obvious: their very public transition into adulthood and their vast wealth, coupled with the pressures of remaining relevant in a world that no longer has a use for them, is causing these girls to feel like they are invincible. But with Apple, the story is different. She’s always presented herself with the strung out hipster weirdo chick vibe, which apparently was not very far from the truth.

I wonder if she’s feeling like a criminal.

A lot of comparisons have been made by the media lately, saying A-Bynes is the new LiLo, but I just don’t get it. They couldn’t be more different from one another! One of them got their start working for a kids’ network, then popped out some tits and the world became moderately interested in her, only to fall out of the spotlight because childhood actresses are really not very talented, and the other was Michelle Trachtenburg.

Lohan must be silenced — it’s just as simple as that. Her Twitter probably needs to be shut down for her own good before she starts “accidentally” sending out mass tweets of her tits like that chick from the News Room with the fucked up looking baby-head. Seriously, have you seen that thing? Why is that girl famous?

If xXxLindsayxXx can’t shut her trap about A Man Duh, I will shut it up for her, and that’s a promise. And as a special note to her lawyers when they read this, please note that this is not a confession or an admission of guilt, it’s merely a record of how I am going to punch Lindsay Lohan in the mouth.

It’s all just because Amanda is so popular and famous. The media feels like they need to knock her down a peg because they’re all up in their ebony towers, just hanging out and making fun of one of the greatest actresses of a generation. They get off on this shit because they’re horrible monsters. Jesus Herbert Walker Christ!

So yeah, they found pot in Amanda’s car, so the fuck what? It’s not like she’s doing heroin in there. I mean, when the former child star of The Amanda show wants to smoke pot, you let that bitch smoke pot. And it’s not like she’s killing people either. Now, I’m not necessarily saying that she hasn’t ordered a few mafia-style hits in her time, but let’s look at the facts — it can’t be proven that she hasn’t. But is that really a crime?

Why can’t the media just leave Amanda alone?! This kind of shit just makes me so mad. Let her run her own god damn vida, people. She doesn’t need a paparazzi babysitter ruining her day with this bullshit press any more. Maybe she’s given up on acting and singing these days, but she hasn’t given up on LIFE!

Fuck’s sake. I need to head out to the range and squeeze off a few rage rounds. See you dicks later, PEace!