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Some Blog Wants to Know If You Think Bringing Children to See “Zero Dark Thirty” is OK

The answer is no — never bring children to any movie, ever.

Scorsese + Clinton + HBO = Something Your Liberal Co-Workers Will Discuss Loudly

Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese is partnering with HBO to produce and direct a documentary about Bill Clinton with the former president’s full support and assistance. The program is expected to be similar to last year’s 41 which chronicled the presidency of George H. W. Bush. As to be expected from HBO and Bill Clinton, the

Obama Wins, The Machine Keeps on Spinning

After you had no effect whatsoever on the election, Obama has retained the keys to the kingdom for another 4 years, and Mitt Romney’s carcass has been dragged through the streets of Washington DC in ritualistic celebration. All of the praying that religious conservatives did had absolutely no effect. All of the trendy social media

Don’t Vote — Stay Home

As America goes out to make a surface level choice for its president, the safest thing you can do today is to stay home and not vote. Not voting is your right as an American. Indifference towards a decision process that is superficial at best is what your ancestors fought and died for. A jaded

“Celebrity” Death Recap – September 2012

Here at Tears of Time, we often report on celebrity deaths but things are getting ridiculous – they just keep dropping like flies. These celebrities are dying so fast that we can’t keep up with all of them. Either that or we’ve never heard of them, so their celebrity status is called into question. Rather

Al Gore’s Sexy New Beard

Al Gore is pretending to not like the electoral college in an attempt to allow reporters to photograph his sexy new beard. Feigning a newfound interest in ending the system that denied him the presidency, Gore was quick to pose for photographers, letting them capture his beard from dramatic angles. Looking more like Ron Swanson

Now Is The Time To Shut Up About Healthcare

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the Pokemon Multiverse decided that some new laws regarding healthcare were constitutional. Regardless of your personal opinions, the system that Americans have agreed to operate under has been swayed in one direction and now it’s time to shut up and live with it. Let’s not keep this issue going for

Individual Flights to Space, Now Starting at $3000*

*Offer valid for dead individuals only. Of the many companies hoping to strike it rich up in the blackness of space, SpaceX is firing the ashes of 308 people outside of our atmosphere. The plan is to have these ashes orbit the Earth for a year and ultimately return to Earth with the intentions of

OUT: Newt Gingrich

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Newt Gingrich has decided to suspend his book tour.  To tell the truth, we honestly forgot this guy was even running.  So now it’s officially a 2-man race as Paul seems to be in it for the long haul and Romney/Obama are just two sides of the

OUT: Rick Santorum

With heavy hearts, we bid farewell to our beloved Rick Santorum and his confused attitudes towards everything that America stands for. We wish him the best and hope that he can fill our lives with mirth and wonderment in 4 years when he nostalgically mistakes his small successes in the 2012 campaign for general interest

Today’s Bullshit: This Writer Should Be Pun-ished

I don’t care who this person is, how respected they are in the journalism industry, what they were writing about, or how relevant this story is to the future of the free world: when you write terrible puns in your headlines, you deserve to be pun-ished. The pun in my headline is only there because

DEAD: Two Reporters

Two reporters have died in Syria because there’s some kind of fighting going on there or something. One of them wore a sweet eye patch just like Big Boss — the other was French. Who cares about them? About 65 people also died there, but these two get the headlines because they made it their

CNN North Florida GOP Debate Drinking Game

Join us tonight at 8pm eastern to drink away the sorrows implied in our nation’s self destruction, with the Tears of Time CNN & University of North Florida GOP Debate Drinking Game. Complete list of rules after the break.

Newt Gingrich: The Mind of a Child

As Newt Gingrich rises in the polls, so do attacks on his political views. As attacks on Gingrich increase, Gingrich’s attacks on his attackers increase. While his slams against democrats gain him popularity within the republican party, what he fails to realize is that the country is unfortunately not inhabited entirely by republicans.

Deep Wing Discussess: The State of the Union Address

Welcome to the first official Deep Wing discussion. Deep Wing is live coverage of a topic by several Tears of Time Editors, giving you the deepest insights from the broadest range of wings. We will begin posting regarding the State of the Union Address around 8:45 PM Eastern, 7:45 PM CST. Hit refresh every few

Tonight: Deep Wing Discusses “The State of the Union Address”

Tonight at 9 PM Eastern/8 PM Central (and you can do the math to figure out whatever other time zone you’re in), the “President” will be addressing the union with information about its current status. Most of you reading this probably had no idea this was evening happening tonight. Tears of Time will be Deep

DEAD: South Carolina Voters

In a ‘stunning’ turn of events, hundreds of recently deceased voters rose from the grave to vote in ‘recent’ South Carolina elections. Few details are available at this time. Stay tuned for updates.

Media Bias and the Boneheaded Establishment Attempt to Halt the Progress of Ron Paul

According to the bean counters at the Pew Research Center, if Ron Paul went 3rd party he would split the Repiblican vote. This information was skewed by USA Today as they are attempting to trick people into not voting for Ron Paul. They’re presenting the story as “a vote for a 3rd party will ensure

The Fuck is Up W/ The Internet Today?

The fuck, man? What’s wrong with the internet? Every site I go to is taken over by black bars and shit about Congress. The fuck’s a Congress? I don’t even get it. Shit man, I can’t even Google for some pics of tittayz without all of this censorshit on my screen.

The Internet On Strike

Almost the entire internet will shut down in protest of the SOPA and PIPA bills currently in congress today, most from the hours of 8am to 8pm. Wikipedia feels so strongly about this that they have decided to shut down the English version of the site for a full 24 hours. Since the majority of

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