Here at Tears of Time, we often report on celebrity deaths but things are getting ridiculous – they just keep dropping like flies. These celebrities are dying so fast that we can’t keep up with all of them. Either that or we’ve never heard of them, so their celebrity status is called into question. Rather than let these people escape the limelight by achieving death, we are giving them the “mass grave” treatment in a segment we call “Celebrity” Death Recap.

• Neil Armstrong – The first man on the moon has finally worn out his welcome on this planet and has returned to his homeland.
• Chris Lighty – Whether by suicide or murder with the attempt at making it look like suicide, this hip hop record label owner was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head, and given that his Wikipedia page’s most recent artist he worked with is 50 Cent, it’s no wonder he decided to shuffle loose the mortal coil.
• Stallone’s Sister – Not even a full month after Stallone’s son died, his sister died. But given that these two events happened right around the release of Expendables 2, one can’t help but wonder if this was all some elaborate marketing scheme. I’m not implying Stallone is killing his family specifically to keep his name in the headlines, but I am typing “Stallone” and “Murderer” in close proximity to each other to let Google think these keywords are related.
• Steve Franken – Some TV character actor that no one has heard of has kicked the bucket. Where were all of the #RIPSTEVEFRANKEN Twitter updates?
• Mark Abrahamian – There’s a timeline here, so let’s just see if we can follow it: In 1965, the band Jefferson Airplane formed. One year later Mark Abrahamian was born. Jefferson Airplane had a few hits, but they ultimately decided to go separate ways. By 1974, the band had “evolved” into Jefferson Starship after extensive roster changes. 10 years later in 1984, the last original member of Jefferson Airplane left Jefferson Starship to pursue a lucrative career in bringing lawsuits against anyone using the word Jefferson in the name of their band, so the remaining members of Jefferson Starship became known simply as Starship. In 2001, Mark Abrahamian joined Starship. And now this guy who happened to be in a band that technically was older than he was has died. There’s not really a punchline to this one, it’s just a really strange series of events.
• Joe South – This guy sang a few songs in the 70s, so he probably had more of a chance of being in the proper Jefferson Airplane than Mark Abrahamian.
• Christopher Stevens – I’m not even really sure what caused the attack on the US embassy in Libya, but it probably had something to do with Gadhafi. Rather than making a joke about this guy that no one had ever heard of before his death, I’d like to point out how stupid it is that we are policing the world and that terrorist groups will always exist. That is all.
• Bob Lambert – One of the men responsible for the death of traditional animation at Disney has himself died, possibly as some sort of curse put upon his house by the ghost of traditional animation. We can only hope that Disney and other copycat studios will realize the error of their ways and return to the more interesting visual style 2D animation in an attempt to re-animate the corpse of traditional animation, thereby breaking the curse and ensuring that there is no Toy Story 4. Oh god, just the fact that I mentioned Toy Story 4 will probably mean it will see a holiday 2013 release date.
• John Ingle – A soap opera star from the 70s died. He would probably be more famous if he had just been a factory worker or a coal miner.
• Andy Williams – The bio on this classic crooner’s official website says this as the very last paragraph: “Andy works just as hard today as he did in the beginning. The only difference is that he loves what he’s doing now even more than he did back then.” Either some one forgot to notify the webmaster that Andy Williams had died or his estate is planning to milk money out of his corpse — probably both.
• Johnny Lewis – Apparently having bit parts in “hit” movies such as Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem is enough to drive any former Scientologist to the point of breaking and entering into an old woman’s house that ends in a murder suicide.
• Sahara Davenport – Now they are giving the reality TV stars eulogies. Fuck.