As with last year, we are again working with TV Guide’s list of new shows for this Fall season, to make our picks for shows that will have the staying power to make it through at least their first season. This is not a list of our own personal watching habits (because seriously, who has the time to watch all this shit?) but rather a list of shows we think America will give a chance. Out of 23 new competitors, who be able to stand up and be a show that America cares about after December?
666 Park Avenue (ABC)
First up we have ABC’s decidedly stupid premise of the devil running a hotel. Or something. People who are interested in the occult might tune in, but the watered down for ABC format will not be very appealing for many.
Animal Practice (NBC)
NBC’s new comedy about animal doctors starring Justin Kirk (the uncle from Weeds) would probably be alright if it weren’t such a stupid premise. Justin Kirk is always hilarious on Weeds, but we feel like he will suffer here due to being upstaged by monkey actors. Let’s face it: the animals will always be the butt of every joke on this show and the only people that think animals are funny are babies and old people.
The CW is attempting to replicate the success Smallville with their new show Arrow, based on the the character Green Arrow from DC Comics. Since CW kind of ignores ratings due to the fact that no one watches that channel anyway, expect to see 6 seasons of Arrow.
Beauty and the Beast (CW)
Another CW misfire that is sure to stay for years, Beauty and the Beast is a drama about Beauty and the Beast. It is reportedly going to be remake of the 80s TV version of Beauty and the Beast, where there’s a bunch of attempted drama, non-plot, and people crying, except this time the guy is not going to actually resemble a beast (he will have a scar on his otherwise non-beastly face). So it will be complete shit, and it will be around for 5 years.
Ben and Kate (Fox)
This is probably an attempt to replicate the success of the non-traditional family style sitcom, in the same vein as Modern Family. We read the plot description and can’t follow it at all. Probably will be shit.
Chicago Fire (NBC)
Dick Wolf (the executive producer who is fresh out of ideas for the Law and Order franchise) is testing the waters with firefighter procedural dramas. While Wolf has several solid hits in the Law and Order universe, he has just as many, if not more, misses. Changing the setting from New York to Chicago and redirecting the focus to fighting fires instead of crime could pay off big for what could be considered a stale genre. Or it could be another flop. We think it will make it at least through the first season though.
A modern day Sherlock Holmes story starring two washed up movie stars (Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu). It has promise, but CBS will most likely pull all of the punches of a show about a recovering addict that solves crimes. However, given CBS’s current status as the top network, this show will run for at least the duration of its 1st season.
Emily Owens, M.D. (CW)
In a season overflowing with shows about doctors, one of them is bound to get lost in the shuffle, in which case our money is on this, the most bland of the bunch. A person who is only famous for being Merryl Streep’s daughter stars in this show that compares working in a hospital to attending high school, which was already the premise of a handful of episodes of Scrubs. This show will fail.
Go On (NBC)
After his big whiff on ABC last year with Mr. Sunshine, Matthew Perry returns home home to NBC, reeking of the stench of defeat and with his tail between his legs as he trys desperately to salvage the remainder of his post-Friends career before he dies a horrible death, probably by his own hand. He plays some asshole that isn’t funny and has some issues about his dead wife. Snoozer.
Guys With Kids (NBC)
As a show that was formerly known as DILFs, Guys With Kids is already showing hard signs of catering to network pressures in order to play it safe and not offend anyone. Perpetual last place NBC is trying its damnedest to fill their sitcom quota this year after it announced that most of its Thursday night line up will be canceled (due to low ratings, despite being some of the best shows on television). Guys With Kids will not help them win back the fans who haven’t returned since Seinfeld stopped airing.
Last Resort (ABC)
The convoluted quasi-militaristic plot of this new ABC drama will surely enrapture the mostly soccer mom audience of shows like NCIS and The Unit. American moms just can’t get enough of this shit.
Made in Jersey (CBS)
A show about a woman who is a lawyer, camouflaged under the veneer of Jersey Shore. Absolute shit.
Major Crimes (TNT)
A spin off of TNT’s wildly successful The Closer, Major Crimes will be around forever, because nobody watches TNT, but they have to have something on the air for when you’re skipping all of the channels between the big 4 networks and Comedy Central.
Malibu Country (ABC)
Reba McEntire plays the exact same character in the exact same premise that she played on her last show called Reba, but this time it’s set in Malibu. It probably has no direct connect to the previous show except for the recycled plots and character archetypes. It will be part of ABC’s main lineup for the next 5 years. Fucking kill us now.
The Mindy Project (Fox)
An unsurprisingly horrible transition from The Office‘s Mindy Kaling from background character/writer to star/referencer of romantic comedy trash, The Mindy Project stars Kaling as, you guessed it: a doctor. She also sniped Ed Helms from The Office along with some other comedians and they are all sure to go down in a horrible blaze of glory. Despite having a dream job that pays well, a hot dude as a fuck buddy, and probably a lot of money, Kaling is still unhappy. The whole show is just her bitching and complaining about her life while making references to her favorite romantic comedies. On any network besides Fox, we wouldn’t expect this show to make it, but since Fox has the tendency to let shows stick around strictly because of the names attached to them, this one is…
The Mob Doctor (Fox)
More doctors! This doctor is connected to the mob for some reason. No big names attached though, so this one will be….
The premise of this plays like a tired one-off episode of some better show: an aging female country music singer has to work with a younger Miley Cyrus type of person who is stealing her spotlight. ABC, sticking to their old staples of producing shit, have what might easily be the most boring show of the 2012 Fall line up on their hands.
The Neighbors (ABC)
Some people move into a new neighborhood and all of their neighbors are aliens. We think that to pitch a show to ABC, you just need to have a horrible idea and they will green light it.
The New Normal (NBC)
Ever since Ellen came out of the closet, we have had a rush of gay-centric TV shows or gay characters on non-gay oriented TV shows because these days it’s cool to be gay. The New Normal will undoubtedly run all of the gay stereotypes out on stage, make them wear sequins and glitter as they dance for money, and then act like there is something wrong with people who aren’t interested in seeing this. We don’t have a problem with gay people, we just don’t think that a show about two gay dudes and their surrogate mother has the legs to last a full season.
More gay! This situation involves 3 men and 1 woman, 2 of whom are gay and 2 of whom are straight. Without bothering to put faces to sexual orientations, this explanation can get kind of confusing, but this show was developed by the people that did Will and Grace, so we’re expecting it to stick around for a while.
Stars Earn Stripes (NBC)
Oh Jesus, they are starting a “famous person” themed reality TV show in the Fall? Everyone knows you save those stinker programs for Spring or Summer season. Bonus points: How desperate is NBC when Todd Palin is considered a star?
This show features all of the attempt at recreating the 1960s that was started by Mad Men with none of the skill of AMC. CBS has set this crime drama in Las Vegas in the 1960s and some how they unearthed Dennis Quaid to play the lead. We expect a network program like this to pull all of the punches that its cable counterpart hits audiences with on a nightly basis. To the networks, they just see Mad Men as being a show set in the 60s and that people love the aesthetic alone without regard for the characters or the situations. While this might be true to some extent, the ability to make the show real by including situations, violence, and language that a network would never air are exactly the reason why shows like Mad Men are so much more successful that network programming. One need only look to last year’s simultaneous flops of Pan Am and The Playboy Club to see the results of networks trying to dabble in the 60s without fully understanding what makes Mad Men so great.
Now that we’ve gotten through all of that dog shit, we can tell you that we think 10 of 23 new shows this season will make it to next season. Last year we were right about 56.7% of the shows that aired, which is more than you can say about your stupid predictions. In terms of shows that we’d actually watch, none of them look appealing in the least. Try better in 2013, TV executives.