Jesus Horatio Christ — Bynes Baby is at it again. The media is preporting all kinds of ludicrous allegations these days about my girl Amanda B. and I’m sick of it. Now they’re saying she stripped down to her bra in the middle of a crowded gym and her entourage is jumping ship. Wow, people, really? You think that is what is going on? You have no idea what you’re even talking about. At least that loud-mouthed cunt Lohan got brought in by the cops (probably for her own protection from my fists) on charges of the exact same shit A-Bynes is up for. What now, bitch?

What’s really going on is that Amanda is retiring from the “glamor” of Hollywood and seeking a more dignified profession in the fashion industry. She’s retired! People gonna be buyin’ her shit, yo! You know you want to wear some clothes designed by the girl who had a bit part in Easy A. Her publicists and agents and shit are acting like they dropped her, but really, my girl fired them all. Why would she need those parasites in her new career? And as for taking off her top in a gym, I mean, you gotta let them puppies breathe, am I right? She was just trying to get some ideas for new strapless sports bras. She’s an innovator, duh.

So sign me up to be your first underwear model, Bynesey. I’ve got a package I need to deposit in your slot. And for your retirement from the bullshit of Hollywood, I got you a gold watch with “Amanda Please” inscrubed on it. A little bling never hurt nobody. And to anyone who is thinking Amanda Bynes is on pills and alcohol — fuuuuuuck yoooouu, broooo! I mean, I sold her some zoloft and told her they go down easiest with alcohol, but who isn’t doing that shit? You gotta feel good, man.