Today, Nintendo announced a bunch of stuff about their new home console, the Wii U, and as horrible as that console name still is, it seems like they’re serious about it. To bolster the new console’s year one library, the geniuses at Nintendo have decided to not drip feed us a few halfway decent games like in console generations past but instead, they would prefer to flood the market with ports from other systems, unasked for sequels, licensed games, and shovelware. Everyone is hoping for a Wii-esque success this time around, and unfortunately we don’t think lightning will strike twice.  Nintendo wants us to be shocked and amazed at the power of the lineup, but similar to the PS Vita’s launch of an overwhelming amount of titles, the good stuff is still few and far between. Nintendo has confirmed that they’re working on getting 50 games out the door as soon as possible (though not necessarily all as launch titles), but the list is rather pathetic.

Here we have the full list of games that are soon to be gathering dust in Best Buy store shelves near you, along with our personal spin on what this game means in the grand scheme of things. Though we are hopeful that the Wii U will eventually have some decent games, this is what we are looking at right now:

• Funky Barn – Right off the bat we have a game that sounds retarded.  Great move in setting the tone of the remainder of this list, Nintendo.
• NBA 2K13 – Port/Sequel/Sports
• 007™ Legends – Port/Sequel
• Call of Duty®: Black Ops II – Port/Sequel
• TRANSFORMERS PRIME™ – Sequel
• Wipeout 3 – Port/Sequel
• Skylanders Giants™ – Sequel
• Cabela’s Dangerous Hunts 2013 – Port/Sequel/Sports
• Rapala Pro Bass Fishing – Port/Sequel/Sports
• Monster Hunter™ 3 Ultimate – Port/Sequel
• Rise of the Guardians: The Video Game – Licensed game based on a movie who’s premise sounds retarded.
• Ben 10: Omniverse™ – Licensed Game
• Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade – Shovelware
• Disney Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two – Sequel to the over-hyped Epic Mickey, this game will be on every console under the sun,
• including the original Wii. So pretty much there will be nothing special about this game at all.
• Mass Effect™ 3 – Port/Sequel – The fact that they are starting out this series on the Wii U at the end does not bode well for them.
• Anyone who has played Mass Effect 1 or 2 had already made up their mind about if Mass Effect 3 was worth their time and those that
• wanted it have already purchased it and played the game through to completion. The inevitable inability to port your saved games from
• PS3/360/PC will mean that the choices made in previous Mass Effect games will be completely irrelevant this time around (insert joke about Mass Effect 3′s ending here). New players will be completely unfamiliar with the significance of meeting up with the series’ recurring characters or the themes present throughout the series, so we don’t see this selling well amongst new customers either.
• Madden NFL 13 – Port/Sequel/Sports
• EA SPORTS™ FIFA Soccer 13 – Port/Sequel/Sports
• Trine 2™: Director’s Cut – Port/Sequel – The original Trine and its sequel have been out on PC and PSN for a very long time now, and while a director’s cut of the sequel sounds interesting, it most likely will not be all that different from the game that was already released. Developer Frozenbyte has enjoyed a lot of room to flex its creative muscles as an independent studio, so calling this a “director’s cut” really doesn’t mean much. What could have been left out?
• Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien – Port/Sequel
• Zumba® Fitness Core – Port/Sequel/Exercise Game
• Jett Tailfin™ – No information available, but probably shit.
• TEKKEN TAG TOURNAMENT™ 2 Wii U Edition – Port/Sequel/E-Sports
• TANK! TANK! TANK!™ – A port of a Japanese arcade game designed to make blowing stuff up with a tank fun for the whole family. That sentence makes it sound more awesome than it actually will be.
• Nintendo Land™ – Shovelware
• New Super Mario Bros.™ U – Port/Sequel – Based on the fact that Nintendo now has 4 identical games on their most recent 4 systems, I don’t think it’s worth any one’s time to even bother playing this one. Pick up New Super Mario Bros. Wii to have the same amount of fun.
• NINJA GAIDEN™ 3: Razor’s Edge – Port/Sequel
• SiNG PARTY™ – Karaoke. Fuck that.
• LEGO® City: Undercover – Grand Theft Auto with Legos. Fuck that.
• Wii Fit™ U – Port/Sequel/Exercise Game
• Game & Wario™ – Maybe the only interesting one of the bunch. Nintendo usually goes balls out on the Wario titles, and from what we have seen, this one looks to be just as interesting. If only they could take some chances with their other franchises.
• Pikmin™ 3 – It’s a sequel to a game that no one played on the Gamecube. The only people that liked Pikmin are the diehard Nintendo fanboys and I really don’t see this game being a system seller for them.
• The Wonderful 101™ – The working title Project P-100 has been renamed to…a name.  While the game about amassing several dozen superheroes together to fight evil aliens looks pretty cool, I think that their codename of Project P-100 sounded a lot cooler than this.  It’s a Pikmin-like game that is not Pikmin, but some how looks better than Pikmin 3.   So it might be a cool rental.
• Aliens: Colonial Marines™ – Port
• Bayonetta 2 – Sequel – In a strange move, this game has been announced to be an exclusive to the Wii U. For fans of the original, it might be a system seller, but for people who never played Bayonetta 1 (not available on any Nintendo console) this jump across systems doesn’t really make much sense.
• Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed – Utter shit.
• Nano Assault Neo – No information available at this time, but this will most likely be one of those niche titles that weeaboos rave about while the rest of the world looks on apathetically.
• WARRIORS OROCHI® 3 Hyper – Sequel/Port
• Darksiders® II – Sequel/Port
• Wheel of Fortune® – Shovelware
• JEOPARDY! ® – Shovelware
• Toki Tori 2 – Sequel/Port
• Assassin’s Creed® III – Sequel/Port
• Just Dance® 4 – Sequel/Port/Exercise Game
• Marvel Avengers™: Battle for Earth – Licensed title. Fuck that.
• Rabbids® Land – Shovelware based on the Rayman Rabbids games, which apparently is a series now.
• Sports Connection™ – No information is available on this one, but it’s sports. Fuck that.
• Your Shape®: Fitness Evolved 2013 – Sequel/Port/Exercise Game
• ZombiU™ – An original game for the Wii U about zombies. Wait, it’s about zombies. I guess the sentence should instead read, “A game for the Wii U about zombies.”
• Rayman Legends® – Sequel to the wildly under appreciated Rayman Origins. While this game will no doubt be fun to play, I don’t expect it to be a system seller by any means. Also, it will most likely be available on every other platform eventually, just like Rayman Origins was.
• Scribblenauts™ Unlimited – Sequel to a series of handheld games. I guess people like this stuff? I don’t know, fuck it.
• Game Party Champions – Shovelware
• Batman: Arkham City™ Armored Edition – Sequel/Port

Total Number of Games that are Worth a Shit:  About three halves of different games, plus probably Game and Wario.