Everyone is abuzz wondering what the new iPhone 5 will be like in anticipation of tomorrow’s announcement, but you can read about the features early in this Tears of Time exclusive. Through our anonymous sources inside of Apple, we have been alerted to highly detailed specifications of the iPhone 5. We have a deep understanding of the product that we would like to share with you now.
- Display: 4.00001 inches diagonally, providing the largest screen ever on an iPhone. No other smart phone can top the sheer size of this display, proving once again that Apple is the tech industry leader. This one is also called Retina, because naming a display a part of the human eye makes it better, duh.
- Cameras: To better compete with Nintendo in the handheld gaming/lifestyle realm, Apple is pleased to announce that the iPhone 5 will have 4 cameras (2 rear facing, 2 front facing) that will be slightly offset from each other and capable of taking 3D video. No word yet on if people give a shit about 3D any more, but we will update you when we have more information. Additionally, 3D Facetime chats will be impossible because the screen will not display 3D.
- Sound: No one gives a shit about sound, you fucking idiot. Apple included the on-board speaker from a 28.8 kbps dial up modem as the only method of producing sound on the machine. And you better be happy about it.
- Social Media: Honestly, there is nothing new here. Apple just wants to brag about some old features for a minute, and who are we to say no?
- Safari Mobile: This browser still doesn’t work right and it is absolutely incompatible with most standard web features. Flash? Java? Right click? Ha ha ha ha ha, come on now.
- OS: New to iOS6, a deep integration of the online social experience will be featured heavily. From iPhone 5 forward, all iPhones will feature an app that permanently plays Gangam Style on repeat. Once activated, this app cannot be deactivated.
- Apps: YouTube is gone from the main iPhone interface, but you can spend an extra 3 seconds downloading Google’s new standalone YouTube app that is identical in every way to the previous app, but now with more advertisements. Instead of YouTube, Apple will be announcing their new video streaming service, QuickTimeTube that will open a new player window every time you try to stream a video. It will also only play videos shot on Apple cameras, edited on Apple computers, and that contain only video of Apples (the fruit). Also included is Apple Maps, which is basically just several scanned pages of an outdated atlas, displayed in your e-reader app — GPS be damned!
- 19 Pin Connector: Not satisfied with 1 proprietary connector for their bullshit, Apple has screwed over their entire userbase by forcing them to upgrade to 19 pin accessories. This will force all iPhone users to have to upgrade all of their connector cables and devices, but it’s one of those things that if you don’t talk about it, people will just keep throwing money at Apple because they are currently in too deep to change over to some other smart phone. You know, because USB micro is too easy.
- 4G LTE Service: 2010 features, now available to Apple users in 2012.