Yo so I was chillin’ with the brosephs and brosephines over behind the liquor store, just passin’ the blunt, poppin’ off shots in the air when I overheard some lady talking about “The End Times.” I ain’t read the Bible, but I think I saw something about this in an Arnold Schwarzeneger movie. Shit kinda freaked me out, but that was like at least 10 years ago back when people were scared about Why Tookay or something. Last year some asshole was crying about the world ending, but like, he was wrong, duh. Shit didn’t even happen. Then I caught this other movie last week by my main man John Cusack and well bros, I’m here to warn you that Why Tookay is back, with a vengeance!

Word around the campfire is that these Mayan assholes decided that the world was going to end this year. I’m no expert on ancient Egyptians, but I’m pretty sure they were all smarter than us. Think about it: we all have to use SMARTphones to do anything normal. Did those fucks have smartphones back in 1885? Nope. Maybe their grand shaman had like one of those brick phones from early 90s but if he did, he’s definitely a time traveling druid and that’s some serious shit you don’t want to even think about. Paradoxes and shit.

So these Mayonnaise people definitely were geniuses. Even the slaves were at least Alfred Einstein levels of genius, so imagine what their astronomers were capable of. They must have built some telescope that could see so far into space, it could see our own future. What they saw was something out of the last part of the Bible I guess (cause Mayans and Christians are basically the same thing, right?) and it was so horrible that they were like “Peace Bros, we out!” and then they all died off. But the only thing they left for us was a mysterious year — 2012.

Now, what in the world is supposed to happen this year that’s so important? Hmm…oh, there’s an election! No shit, Schwarzkopf. Pretty much the only thing that can stop “The End Times” is if we elect Rick Santorum for president of the world. This guy knows his shit. He knows all about bringing dead babies back to life and he’s got so many kids already that he’s got a head start on repopulating the Earth after a major disaster. If we don’t get Santeria in as King of Earth, we might as well just go live in some caves.

Speaking of which, my homebros and I already got a Plan B lined up. I know about this cave out in the mountains that is big enough to fit a C-130 crop duster inside of. We’re stocking up on fuel and we’re going to be “flying high” (LOL!) and picking up stragglers in that thing. Ladies only though, not gonna save any dudes, I ain’t gay. You think I’m gay, bro? Fuck you, I will fight you in a ring of fire, bro!

I’ve been catching that Walking Dead shit and it seems to me the way things work is you have to be good with arrows like that one bro. I snagged my dad’s crossbow a few weeks ago and I’ve been practicing on my empty Natty Lights back behind the liquor store. You can reuse those arrows as much as you want. Talkin’ bout RECYCLING, BITCH!

So yeah, if The End Times comes, I’ll be seeing you bros later, probably in Heaven. If not…welp, at least I can brag to bitches at the bar about my mad crossbow skillz.

Catch you bros later on the flippity dippity.