Working with TV Guide’s list of new shows for this Fall season, we made our picks for shows that will have the staying power to make it through at least their first season. This is not a list of our own personal watching habits (because seriously, who has the time to watch all this shit?) but rather a list of shows we think America will give a chance. Out of 31 new competitors, who be able to stand up and be a show that America cares about after December?
2 Broke Girls (CBS)
So you’ve got 2 girls who are vaguely attractive and they both work as waitresses who are broke regularly. This might sound like a winner given our current economic situation, but after seeing a few minutes of the pilot, we had to turn it off. It’s just bad all around.
Allen Gregory (Fox)
A cartoon created and voiced by Jonah Hill, placed squarely in Fox’s animation line up on Sundays. This one will stick around as long as Jonah Hill doesn’t get bored of doing it.
American Horror Story (FX)
This one sounds more like a movie plot than a TV show. We don’t give America enough talent to appreciate something that sounds like it’s the latest attempt to be the X-Files. While it might be a decent show, being on FX will ultimately cause this one to tank.
Kelsey Grammer in a serious role? It could be pretty good as long as he’s not shoving his personal politics down everyone’s throat. Also, they can say “fuck” on Starz, so we’re thinking this one will make it to at least a season, but it won’t be coming back unless they can really nail it and draw in some ratings. Party Down suffered from the lack of exposure Starz gave it, so we can easily see this one taking a similar route.
STAYING (at least one season)!
Charlie’s Angels (ABC)
ABC is basically the worst of the big 4 networks. They have the dumbest ideas and most of them get replaced by even dumber ones. How fast did My Generation get cancelled last year? Wasn’t it like 2 weeks? A reboot of a show that people only watched because they didn’t have such easy access to porn is not going to work in the current day and age.
The premise sounds kind of weak to us: former addict goes to rehab and decides to have a constantly sunny outlook on life, but the show’s writer (Mike White) has a decent track record with Freaks and Geeks and Dawson’s Creek under his belt. It’s on HBO so it’s guaranteed to make it through the first season.
Free Agents (NBC)
It’s a remake of a British sitcom with a completely contrived premise. Not everything can be The Office. This one is sure to fail.
A Gifted Man (CBS)
A guy can talk to his dead wife’s ghost and he learns lessons. America watches dumber shit, and CBS is a ratings leader these days, so we’re gonna give this one at least 2 seasons.
This one is a procedural cop show where the guy solves the mysteries using Grimm’s Fairy Tales as clues. We think this concept sounds pretty cool, but we know for a fact this one will not make it past Christmas. It’s just too strange for Middle America.
Surprisingly the first reality show on this list, it brings celebrities and the ordinary people who hate them together to battle it out. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but we think this one could be interesting. Being on the CW is a plus for its intended demographic and it will definitely see host Mario Lopez getting to the end of at least one (if not several) seasons. We can’t wait until a person comes on to make fun of Mario Lopez to his face.
Hart of Dixie (CW)
Piece of shit that airs on CW. Will last 6 seasons.
Hell on Wheels (AMC)
Post-Civil War America period show that centers around the construction of the Transcontinental Railroads. I’m thinking this will do what Carnivale was trying to do with its gritty atmospheres, minus the surrealism and magic or whatever was going on in that show. Plus it’s on AMC, they’ve no doubt cleared the schedule for this whole show’s first two seasons.
Bunch of serious shit about spies and the CIA. We don’t really care about this crap but it’s on Showtime so it will make it through the first season.
How to Be a Gentleman (CBS)
It’s a modern take on the Odd Couple starring some people you’ve heard of before. We haven’t seen it and we’re on the fence about if we’d even give it a shot, but we think the CBS ratings boost will help it make it through year one.
I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox)
It sounds like it stars at least 4 women and as we all know, that’s way too much of an imbalance to last. We’re not trying to be sexist, but we are trying to say that shows centering on women and having no strong male leads generally fail very quickly unless they are on Lifetime. Who even remembers the name of that show from a few years ago where a mom and daughter sat in lawn chairs drinking cocktails at the end of every episode? No one. And that’s because it failed so hard, it got deleted from humanity’s collective memory.
Last Man Standing (ABC)
Fuck you Tim Allen. We hated you in home improvement and we still think you’re a fag. This show is going to bomb. Go back to making horrible children’s movies because those are the only people that find you funny.
Man Up! (ABC)
A bunch of dumb shit that no one will ever watch. This premise sounds almost exactly like the Tim Allen vehicle above, only without Tim Allen.
New Girl (Fox)
Some asshole (Zooey Deschanel) who cant get a movie deal anymore and refuses to accept the fact that she’s not that great looking and not very good at acting. She should just give up and let us forget about her. Maybe after this show fails as miserably as her face does at getting us off then she’ll finally just get into porn. Because we guess some people might still jerk off to her.
Pan Am (ABC)
ABC’s very blatant attempt to rip off the success of Mad Men by setting a show in the 60s will fail due to the fact that it’s on ABC and they don’t have the balls to do what AMC does. Also, we don’t currently live in the 60s and stewardesses aren’t the sex symbols they used to be. Christina Ricci is at a point in her career where she needs a hit, but unfortunately for her, this won’t be it. The amount of financial resources sunk into this ship will be the only thing that sustains it past the midseason, but we don’t see it coming back for season two.
STAYING (at least one season)!
Person of Interest (CBS)
A convoluted plot out of J.J. Abrams you say? We say the half of Lost’s audience that liked the ending will tune in, but if they aren’t wowed in the first season, they won’t get hooked. But given Abrams’ track record, we will at least see that first season finale.
The Playboy Club (NBC)
Another pathetic attempt to copy Mad Men, but centered around Playboy Bunnies that never get naked due to the fact that it’s on NBC. If this whole show were condensed into an episode of Mad Men, we’d be ok with that, but as a whole TV program, we are pretty sure this will not work.
Prime Suspect (NBC)
A cop show focusing on a woman cop proving herself with the big boys. Women like this kind of crap but it won’t win any ratings from the other half of the population. See ya.
Too many character names fill the description for this drama about people getting revenge. We won’t watch it, but I’m sure they’ve invested enough in it to see it through to the end of the first season.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is trying to pretend she is her dead twin sister for some reason. We guess she wants to find out who really killed her sister, but if no one thinks she’s dead then we’re not sure what her plan is. Also she’s a recovering alcoholic so there’s some sort of story we guess. It will turn off Buffy fans because it’s not Buffy so we’re gonna call this one…
The Secret Circle (CW)
Some bullshit about witches based on some stupid books, and apparently one of the main characters who never dies in the books dies in the first episode of the show. Way to alienate your core audience, CW. Get ready to run some hour long episodes of H8R.
Dumb shit about an angsty teenage girl. First world problems.
Terra Nova (Fox)
This is a shitty attempt to create a sci-fi/dinosaur/time travel themed TV show and Stephen Spielberg just put his name on it to make money. It will be Sliders caliber at best, and Sliders wasn’t even that good after the first two seasons. I’m also thinking that the special effects will be about on par with Syfy channel original movies.
Networks really like the idea of copying Monk (a mystery show where the genius detective can solve any case but the one most important to him) but replacing the lead actor with hot people. This show will fail because it’s ignoring the thing that made Monk great (Tony Shalhoub’s brilliant performances) and we’ll never get to find out what happened to the main character’s sister years and years ago.
Up All Night (NBC)
Another Will Arnett vehicle that will ultimately run out of gas midway into the first sentence out of his gravely, 30-years-of-chain-smoking-cigarettes vocal chords. You sucked on Running Wilde and you’re going to suck again now.
It’s basically some stupid cunt who sucked a few dicks to get on TV. She’s the most annoying piece of shit since Fran Drescher and she will most likely (or hopefully) die from a drug overdose in a few months. If this were written into the plot, we would watch this show instantly.
The X Factor (Fox)
The X Factor is the only part of American Idol that got any viewers, Simon Cowel, shitting all over assholes who think they’re awesome while some drunk whore makes a fool of herself. We can’t really argue, because yes, this is exactly what America wants.
And that’s it. 13 out of 31 new shows predicted by us to make it past December. Honestly, we expected a lot less. Maybe this will be a great year for TV? In 6 months we’ll update you on how we fared, with an additional update in May to let you know just how right we were.