Our police force is broken. Any degenerate asshole with enough time to kill can become a police officer in a few short weeks of training, passing only the most minimal challenges of physical strength and mental ability. Usually, the people going out for these jobs are the bottom of the barrel scum of America who have been shitted on their whole lives by other people and are just aching for the mildest degree of power with which to push back. Most of them aren’t much better than the lawbreakers they are arresting, having only a passing interest in the criminal justice system due to its decent government paycheck as a reward for minimal effort. Why are we letting these people collect our tax dollars only to have them act like entitled assholes to our faces? All they do is pull us over for speeding and other bullshit laws just to justify their own salaries. The police force should be privatized.
First of all, I’m not suggesting that we live in lawless anarchy and I very much respect the idea of a police force protecting myself and my belongings. By the mere idea of a policeman being summoned in minutes, crime has had a bite taken out of it. We know we are relatively safe with police being in place and I am glad they are here so that I don’t have to worry about my safety all the time.
Rather, I am envisioning a world where police have to actively work for their living. A world where cops are employees of cop companies and they are all treated like agents of a larger idea of what a cop can be. Right now if I buy a car and I’m dissatisfied with my salesman, I can speak to another at the same company. If I hate the franchise but still like the car, I can deal with another dealer. And if I am sick of driving a specific brand of car, I can go buy another brand entirely. But at the end of the day, I am still buying a car and each person in this system has to compete with each other for my money in order to make a living. This idea should be extended to the police.
A few companies could be in charge of stationing an officer on every corner to prevent crime while other companies could be in charge of employing detectives who would actively be sought out by people in need of solving a mystery. If some one gets raped, hire the rape police. You’d want several different companies controlling each aspect of the police to foster an environment of competition between each of them. They would actively strive to be the best and beat out their competition or they’d get fired (or the company would go under if their employees sat around all day eating donuts). Additionally, you’d see specializations develop naturally based on a person’s own inherit ability to solve or prevent a specific type of crime. Just as I know I can buy a Jeep to have a dependable off-road vehicle, I can go see the detectives at Murders R Us, knowing the detectives within are the specialists in solving murder crimes.
Rather than taxing people constantly to pay for these services in our current system, the privatized police would be paid only when a job is completed to the satisfaction of a citizen. If the job is done piss poor, these police will get bad reviews and they will be less likely to be approached for future jobs. They’ll also be more likely to lose their jobs as cops. Yet again, this will foster an environment of competition between police and companies of police. You’ll see the best rated police officers being the highest decorated, most rewarded, and most sought after in the country, while traffic police who waste their time writing tickets for parking violations will soon be out of jobs. And of course the citizen requiring the job would have to pay for these services out of pocket, but this would not bankrupt anyone because their pockets would be lined with all of the money they saved by not being taxed for unnecessary police forces.
This system would eliminate government waste through paying the salaries of ticket writing assholes. Traffic cops who are sitting in blind spots waiting to catch speeding drivers would not have to catch a quota of speeders to justify their salaries for sitting in those blind spots all day. If people on the roadways die in a traffic accident, that’s their own fault. Shouldn’t have been driving that fast. But maybe a little fast is OK. We don’t need traffic Nazis keeping us in check 100% of the time, we just need people to exercise a mild degree of self control and restraint.
If there’s an accident on the highways, send an ambulance and possibly a fire truck if needed. No need for a police investigation of the incident unless one of the surviving relatives asks for one and pays for it out of their own pocket (though in the event of a drinking and driving head on collision where both parties are killed, this information can be deduced by anyone with a pulse who is looking at the scene). The victim’s family can sue the family of the other driver using their private lawyer.
Give private police the ability to detain criminals. We’d need to keep the really dangerous people locked up after all. Detain them in private prisons (we already have these). Rather than giving them free time or the ability to watch TV, or lift weights, put them in sweatshops and force them to make products. This would cause their time spent locked away to be functional and have purpose for the world. We used to have chain gangs build our roads. If Nike ran a prison, each prisoner would be forced to pay his own prison bills by making a certain number of Nike shoes before he is released. He wouldn’t be paid in money for this service, but in room and board during his stay at Nike Prison. After he has paid his debt to Nike, he can be released, or he can be executed if he refused to cooperate. Think that’s harsh? Maybe there’d be less crime if the penalties for crime were harsher.
Obviously the courts would have to be in place to prevent the private police from running rampant, and our government could possibly still handle this. I’ll leave it up to some smarter individual than I to suggest a viable option for privatizing the judicial system.