Look, I can’t be bothered to go to a grocery store. I just can’t. That’s what personal shoppers are for and I’ve got an army of them. One of the lieutenants in my fleet of personal shoppers told me today that Halloween candy is currently available for sale. Being that it’s August 31st, we’re exactly 2 months away from the intended “use” of this candy. Get real, candy companies. I can’t be having my shopper army slowed down by your sugary non-sense.

I don’t subscribe to a traditional view of summer because I live in Texas. We get about 51 weeks of summer per year and a week of winter at which people from New York or Chicago scoff. But when candy is packaged in the colors of autumn, it’s even too much for a person like me. Nowhere in the world is there a tree with falling leaves right now so candy has no business being colored like these imaginary leaves. Maybe in Australia where everything is backwards, but not in America.

I’m going to assume that similar signs of the season are present too, such as a grocery store’s seasonal aisle being devoted to children’s size costumes based on the top performing summer blockbusters. This doesn’t need to happen. If the kids are so desperate to tear up your living room as Thor and Captain America, they will do so now and they won’t care about it in 2 months. 5 year olds have the attention spans of 5 year olds. In 2 months, you as a parent better have gotten them the next big thing’s costume. Otherwise you’re a horrible parent.

I think we’ve actually just found the root of this issue: greedy companies catering to spoiled brats with pushover parents who have too much disposable income. This is why these people need to be taxed. Their horrible spawn do not need multiple costumes. Halloween only happens once per year.

Worst of all, by letting them experience a 2 month Halloween climax, they are slowly eroding their joy of the holiday due to prolonged exposure while simultaneously destroying the other holidays whose toes Halloween is now stepping on. No one cares about Thanksgiving anymore. It has suffered the fate of being suffocated between Halloween and X-Mas and it can never recover. Labor day is actually this weekend too and no one even cares. Halloween just busted down the door wearing a mask and anally raped Labor Day this year and there’s nothing Labor Day can do about it. It’s not a commercialized holiday with the same kind of financial backing that Halloween has, so it’s become forgotten in all respects other than its ability to get people off of work. I personally will spend the 3-day weekend drinking non-stop rather than doing anything memorable, but that’s only because I’ve fallen prey to this horrible system.

Is there no room in this world for a real holiday to happen in the 3 full months between the 4th of July and Halloween? I’d actually be alright with greeting card companies inventing a new holiday sometime in August or September like they did with Valentine’s Day. At least then we’d have a reason to have an overflow of dumb shit in the stores on August 31st. If any of my personal shoppers put in for worker’s comp because they tripped over a bag of candy corn, I’m sending the bill straight to you, George Renninger (I’ll save you a Google search).