Unlike every other site on the internet, today we will not be posting outrageous lies in an attempt to boost our traffic from dumbases who are tricked into believing absurd linkbait. Instead, enjoy the header image of a sassy walrus. Be careful what you believe for the next 24 hours, lest you fall prey to the linkbait and become part of the metrics of a multinational corporation.
April First, Business As Usual
Sassy Walrus
Sassy Walrus
Some Blog Wants to Know If You Think Bringing Children to See “Zero Dark Thirty” is OK
Hide your filthy crotch-spawn.
Hide your filthy crotch-spawn.
Your Tax Dollars, Hard At Work — 170 Billion Tweets to be Archived
The Department of Redundancy Department
The Department of Redundancy Department
Zuckerberg Family Stands in Kitchen, World Reacts
Merry Chanukah from the Zuckerbergs!
Merry Chanukah from the Zuckerbergs!
Antiquated Media Jerks Its Knees In Reaction to Some Young People Dying
Die Young
Die Young
Some Blog Wants to Know If You Think Bringing Children to See “Zero Dark Thirty” is OK
The answer is no — never bring children to any movie, ever.
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Your Tax Dollars, Hard At Work — 170 Billion Tweets to be Archived
The Library of Congress has announced that they are continuing their efforts with Twitter to archive every little piece of bullshit the site’s users have generated over the last 6 years. But rather than storing the 133 TB of data on conventional means such as, oh, I dunno, a server with 133 TB of storage space, the Library of Congress in their infinite wisdom has elected to archive Twitter on analog tape.
Analog fucking tape!
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Zuckerberg Family Stands in Kitchen, World Reacts
Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi Zuckerberg clearly hasn’t been using the internet for very long if she is upset by one of her recent photos making the rounds of the internet yesterday. After posting a photo of her family to her Facebook page and setting the privacy so that only friends could see it, a friend of a friend re-posted the photo to her 40k Twitter followers. Randi got angry and said some stuff on Twitter that has since been deleted and now we all can enjoy a fairly innocuous, out of focus family photo of the Zuck clan in their kitchen during the holidays. Big fucking deal, right?
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Antiquated Media Jerks Its Knees In Reaction to Some Young People Dying
Reacting to the Newtown, CT mass murder debacle, radio stations nationwide have pulled Ke$ha’s Die Young song because apparently it advocates dying young, and many young people died last Friday so people don’t like to be reminded of that constantly in the media. Except of course when the news media won’t shut up about it.
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Facebook & Instagram Just Want to Piss Off Everybody
If the impending apocalypse hasn’t gotten you fired up yet, you can instead look forward to the forthcoming tech-pocalypse. In a wham-bam two pronged attack on its users, Facebook and Facebook owned Instagram have decided that their efforts at pissing off every single person on the planet need to be doubled down. Call it a technological blitzkrieg.
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Scorsese + Clinton + HBO = Something Your Liberal Co-Workers Will Discuss Loudly
Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese is partnering with HBO to produce and direct a documentary about Bill Clinton with the former president’s full support and assistance. The program is expected to be similar to last year’s 41 which chronicled the presidency of George H. W. Bush. As to be expected from HBO and Bill Clinton, the doc is expected to carry a TV-MA warning label due to graphic content, explicit language, violence, nudity, drug use, and adult situations. Viewer discretion is advised. *Soprano’s Theme Song*
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“Gangnam Style” Claims Its First Victim
The worldwide smash hit song “Gangnam Style” has seen many imitators of its signature horse dance since it enveloped the world in a tight embrace this past summer, but now it has its first confirmed kill. Eamonn Kilbride, 46, of Blackburn, UK was performing the dance at a holiday party when he met his untimely end at the hands of Korean pop star PSY’s all-powerful dance anthem. His death has triggered a warning from officials that middle-aged men should not do the dance if they aren’t in shape, though this fact was also probably known already because no one wants to see fat middle-aged white men dancing in any capacity. PSY could not be reached for comment. As we continue further into the harsh winter, we fully expect the siren song of “Gangnam Style” to lure many other middle-aged men to their deaths, unable to resist their primal urges to horse dance until their hearts stop. Eamonn Kilbride is survived by his wife and three children.
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Microsoft Tries Its Hand at Social Networking, Fails Before It Begins
Not content to let Google own the least relevant social network, Microsoft has launched a disgustingly named service of its own. Socl (not a typo) is the Windows platform holder’s latest attempt at relevancy in an increasingly Windowless world. Clearly Microsoft is enjoying butting its head against a wall by attempting to take on Facebook and Google simultaneously on their own turf. The completely uninspired look of the site coupled with the fact that by design it is fairly open to spamming all users with porn or gore photos suggests to me that it will quickly fade into obscurity as another of the things Microsoft does that no one ever talks about. In essence, Socl will probably be nothing more than an adspace for Windows 8 and Internet Exploder 10, all with more dubstep.
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Google is Merging All of Its Services
In the wake of Google’s first good idea in a long time of combining Google Drive with Gmail attachments, Google has eclipsed this news with the announcement that two other services that no one actually uses will be combined — this time, it’s Google Play and Google+. The goal is to remove anonymity from the Google Play store so that user reviews will display a users’ name and picture. Once anonymity has been stripped, potential trolls will no longer be a-trollin’. Except of course, it never works like that because making a new Google account takes seconds to accomplish and trolls will upload fake user pictures to their accounts to help falsely legitimize their trolling. The best part is that these pictures will probably be found on Google Image searches.
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Windows 8 Has 1300 Apps — Who Cares?
The lumbering, archaic dinosaur known as Microsofticus Windows8pien is proud to announce that it has 1300 apps. Most of them are Calculator.
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Obama Wins, The Machine Keeps on Spinning
After you had no effect whatsoever on the election, Obama has retained the keys to the kingdom for another 4 years, and Mitt Romney’s carcass has been dragged through the streets of Washington DC in ritualistic celebration. All of the praying that religious conservatives did had absolutely no effect. All of the trendy social media blog videos had no effect. Hurricane Sandy had no effect. In effect, this was predetermined.
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Don’t Vote — Stay Home
As America goes out to make a surface level choice for its president, the safest thing you can do today is to stay home and not vote. Not voting is your right as an American. Indifference towards a decision process that is superficial at best is what your ancestors fought and died for. A jaded outlook is part of the foundation of this democracy.
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Tom Hanks Says “Fuck” on TV, USA Goes Insane
In a barely fucking audible clip that was obscured by an accent, Tom Hanks said “fuck” on live TV. Because no one has ever heard that fucking word before, this created a huge fucking controversy for which the actor was immediately sorry, despite the fact that the clip I linked to includes a warning that most of the dialog Hanks’ character says is swear words. Immediately, fucking idiots everywhere got upset.
“Celebrity” Death Recap – September 2012
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D-Sane in Celebrity Death, Culture, faith, movies, music, politics, tv on October 2nd, 2012
D-Sane in Celebrity Death, Culture, faith, movies, music, politics, tv on October 2nd, 2012Here at Tears of Time, we often report on celebrity deaths but things are getting ridiculous – they just keep dropping like flies. These celebrities are dying so fast that we can’t keep up with all of them. Either that or we’ve never heard of them, so their celebrity status is called into question. Rather than let these people escape the limelight by achieving death, we are giving them the “mass grave” treatment in a segment we call “Celebrity” Death Recap.
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Midseason Replaced: A Look at Fall 2012′s New TV Shows
As with last year, we are again working with TV Guide’s list of new shows for this Fall season, to make our picks for shows that will have the staying power to make it through at least their first season. This is not a list of our own personal watching habits (because seriously, who has the time to watch all this shit?) but rather a list of shows we think America will give a chance. Out of 23 new competitors, who be able to stand up and be a show that America cares about after December?
BYNES WATCH 2012: Retirement Edition
BoarbroJesus Horatio Christ — Bynes Baby is at it again. The media is preporting all kinds of ludicrous allegations these days about my girl Amanda B. and I’m sick of it. Now they’re saying she stripped down to her bra in the middle of a crowded gym and her entourage is jumping ship. Wow, people, really? You think that is what is going on? You have no idea what you’re even talking about. At least that loud-mouthed cunt Lohan got brought in by the cops (probably for her own protection from my fists) on charges of the exact same shit A-Bynes is up for. What now, bitch?
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Fiona Apple Arrested for Posession of Hash
Not content to let the younger generation of one-note celebrity drug addicts get all of the spotlight, Fiona Apple has stepped up her game by getting arrested for possession of hash in Sierra Blanca, TX. It’s a little sad because, despite the fact that I’ve lived in Texas my whole life, I’ve never even heard of Sierra Blanca. How do you even get arrested there? A Google Maps search shows us that Sierra Blanca is the first town outside of El Paso on the way back towards civilization. I suppose if she just scored some Mexican drugs across the border, she might be carrying while on her way through Texas, but aren’t these famous people supposed to have members of their entourage that will take the fall for this kind of thing? Couldn’t she pass her drugs off to her publicist or whoever right as they are getting pulled over? I guess when you’re high, you’re not thinking straight and you can’t remember to stash the hash.
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BYNES WATCH 2012: Lohan Strikes Back Edition
BYNES WATCH 2012 is heating up, bros. After all kinds of media bias and biggotry against drinkers who also like to be drivers, shots have been fired at the Bynescycle by professional crack whore LINDSAY LOHAN in a recent Twitter post that seems to indicate some bitter ribaldry between the two adult child actresses. Lohan, ever more desperate to be the talk of the town, has claimed that Bynesee’s been getting the easy treatment, unlike herself who got railed by the media for being a hoe-bag. Fuck you, bitch. Well, that might be true LiLo, but my girl Amanda is A) innocent and B) nolo contendere and C) she will do her time without complaining if she has to, like a good American.
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AMANDA BYNES WATCH 2012: Tacos & Light Bulbs Edition
What up bros, I got some fresh deats about my home girl AMANDA BYNES and her troubles with the law. After getting her license suspended on some trumped up charges, Amanda Baby just had to go on a little joy ride to calm her nerves. You know how it is, dudes — hop in the car, light up the pipe, just cruise around the turns, and maybe get some tacos and colored light bulbs. Shit’s not even a big deal. It seems like I am doing that shit just about every day with absolutely no consequences. I’m sure Amanda wouldn’t have wanted to let one of her licensed friends legally drive her all around Southern California, there’s no god damn style in that shit.
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The Question
Loading ...The Most Recent Reviews
Review: Louie by Roostex 07/07/2012
Format: Television Starring: Louis C.K. Network: FX I've been hearing great things about the show Louie, and since the stand up of Louis C.K. is usually pretty good, I decided to see what all the hype was about. Will Louie live up to...
Review: Magic Mike by EAD Kate 06/29/2012
Format: Film Starring: Channing Tatum Directed by: Steven Soderbergh I didn't really know what I expected to see when I went to the theater for the midnight showing of Magic Mike. The lobby was crammed with 40-something housewives all charged up cause they...
Review: Battleship by EAD Kate 05/29/2012
Title: Battleship Starring: Liam Neeson and some other people Based On: A god damn board game Hot guy. Explosion. Explosion. Coke Zero™. Hot guy. Explosion. Rihanna. Explosion. Explosion. Bigger explosion. Awesome explosion. Subway™. Coke Zero™. Massive explosion. Explosion. Explosion. Flag. I loved...
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