Unlike every other site on the internet, today we will not be posting outrageous lies in an attempt to boost our traffic from dumbases who are tricked into believing absurd linkbait. Instead, enjoy the header image of a sassy walrus. Be careful what you believe for the next 24 hours, lest you fall prey to the linkbait and become part of the metrics of a multinational corporation.
Everyone Is Dying To Be In Our Headlines.
The answer is no — never bring children to any movie, ever.
The Library of Congress has announced that they are continuing their efforts with Twitter to archive every little piece of bullshit the site’s users have generated over the last 6 years. But rather than storing the 133 TB of data on conventional means such as, oh, I dunno, a server with 133 TB of storage space, the Library of Congress in their infinite wisdom has elected to archive Twitter on analog tape.
Analog fucking tape!
Reacting to the Newtown, CT mass murder debacle, radio stations nationwide have pulled Ke$ha’s Die Young song because apparently it advocates dying young, and many young people died last Friday so people don’t like to be reminded of that constantly in the media. Except of course when the news media won’t shut up about it.
Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese is partnering with HBO to produce and direct a documentary about Bill Clinton with the former president’s full support and assistance. The program is expected to be similar to last year’s 41 which chronicled the presidency of George H. W. Bush. As to be expected from HBO and Bill Clinton, the doc is expected to carry a TV-MA warning label due to graphic content, explicit language, violence, nudity, drug use, and adult situations. Viewer discretion is advised. *Soprano’s Theme Song*
The worldwide smash hit song “Gangnam Style” has seen many imitators of its signature horse dance since it enveloped the world in a tight embrace this past summer, but now it has its first confirmed kill. Eamonn Kilbride, 46, of Blackburn, UK was performing the dance at a holiday party when he met his untimely end at the hands of Korean pop star PSY’s all-powerful dance anthem. His death has triggered a warning from officials that middle-aged men should not do the dance if they aren’t in shape, though this fact was also probably known already because no one wants to see fat middle-aged white men dancing in any capacity. PSY could not be reached for comment. As we continue further into the harsh winter, we fully expect the siren song of “Gangnam Style” to lure many other middle-aged men to their deaths, unable to resist their primal urges to horse dance until their hearts stop. Eamonn Kilbride is survived by his wife and three children.
After you had no effect whatsoever on the election, Obama has retained the keys to the kingdom for another 4 years, and Mitt Romney’s carcass has been dragged through the streets of Washington DC in ritualistic celebration. All of the praying that religious conservatives did had absolutely no effect. All of the trendy social media blog videos had no effect. Hurricane Sandy had no effect. In effect, this was predetermined.
As America goes out to make a surface level choice for its president, the safest thing you can do today is to stay home and not vote. Not voting is your right as an American. Indifference towards a decision process that is superficial at best is what your ancestors fought and died for. A jaded outlook is part of the foundation of this democracy.
In a barely fucking audible clip that was obscured by an accent, Tom Hanks said “fuck” on live TV. Because no one has ever heard that fucking word before, this created a huge fucking controversy for which the actor was immediately sorry, despite the fact that the clip I linked to includes a warning that most of the dialog Hanks’ character says is swear words. Immediately, fucking idiots everywhere got upset.
Here at Tears of Time, we often report on celebrity deaths but things are getting ridiculous – they just keep dropping like flies. These celebrities are dying so fast that we can’t keep up with all of them. Either that or we’ve never heard of them, so their celebrity status is called into question. Rather than let these people escape the limelight by achieving death, we are giving them the “mass grave” treatment in a segment we call “Celebrity” Death Recap.
As with last year, we are again working with TV Guide’s list of new shows for this Fall season, to make our picks for shows that will have the staying power to make it through at least their first season. This is not a list of our own personal watching habits (because seriously, who has the time to watch all this shit?) but rather a list of shows we think America will give a chance. Out of 23 new competitors, who be able to stand up and be a show that America cares about after December?
Jesus Horatio Christ — Bynes Baby is at it again. The media is preporting all kinds of ludicrous allegations these days about my girl Amanda B. and I’m sick of it. Now they’re saying she stripped down to her bra in the middle of a crowded gym and her entourage is jumping ship. Wow, people, really? You think that is what is going on? You have no idea what you’re even talking about. At least that loud-mouthed cunt Lohan got brought in by the cops (probably for her own protection from my fists) on charges of the exact same shit A-Bynes is up for. What now, bitch?
Not content to let the younger generation of one-note celebrity drug addicts get all of the spotlight, Fiona Apple has stepped up her game by getting arrested for possession of hash in Sierra Blanca, TX. It’s a little sad because, despite the fact that I’ve lived in Texas my whole life, I’ve never even heard of Sierra Blanca. How do you even get arrested there? A Google Maps search shows us that Sierra Blanca is the first town outside of El Paso on the way back towards civilization. I suppose if she just scored some Mexican drugs across the border, she might be carrying while on her way through Texas, but aren’t these famous people supposed to have members of their entourage that will take the fall for this kind of thing? Couldn’t she pass her drugs off to her publicist or whoever right as they are getting pulled over? I guess when you’re high, you’re not thinking straight and you can’t remember to stash the hash.
BYNES WATCH 2012 is heating up, bros. After all kinds of media bias and biggotry against drinkers who also like to be drivers, shots have been fired at the Bynescycle by professional crack whore LINDSAY LOHAN in a recent Twitter post that seems to indicate some bitter ribaldry between the two adult child actresses. Lohan, ever more desperate to be the talk of the town, has claimed that Bynesee’s been getting the easy treatment, unlike herself who got railed by the media for being a hoe-bag. Fuck you, bitch. Well, that might be true LiLo, but my girl Amanda is A) innocent and B) nolo contendere and C) she will do her time without complaining if she has to, like a good American.
What up bros, I got some fresh deats about my home girl AMANDA BYNES and her troubles with the law. After getting her license suspended on some trumped up charges, Amanda Baby just had to go on a little joy ride to calm her nerves. You know how it is, dudes — hop in the car, light up the pipe, just cruise around the turns, and maybe get some tacos and colored light bulbs. Shit’s not even a big deal. It seems like I am doing that shit just about every day with absolutely no consequences. I’m sure Amanda wouldn’t have wanted to let one of her licensed friends legally drive her all around Southern California, there’s no god damn style in that shit.